So what?

This may mark the longest blogging hiatus ever taken by myself. Where have I been? Well, Christmasing of course! Sophie had her first Christmas program last week and Olivia got to sing a song on stage too! It was really fun to watch them perform. I was there with my mom and Steve, sitting in a pew in the church next to the daycare, watching my girls in front of lots of other people....waiting for a mishap that I couldn't control....noticing how out of reach they were from my grasp, knowing I couldn't even holler at them to stop any negative behavior. What would they do?? What might they say?? I bit my preverbial fingernails. But look how cute they were!

Let me tell you, the program went off without a hitch. Except when Sophie noticed Uncle Dan slipping in a few minutes late next to Amy and Hannah in the back of the church. Sophie already towers over all other three and four year olds. She has neon bright highlighter style hair. She was wearing a red sweater. Did we need to stand out more? YES!

"UNCLE DAN!!!!" she screamed waving frantically. This was during a beautiful rendition of "Away in a manger" that the pastor played softly on his acoustic guitar while the good children sang......"UNCLE DAN!!!!! WHERE'S HANNAH?? AMYYYY! WHERRRRRRE'S HANNAH???? HEY UNCLE DAN! HI AMY!!!!" Visualize a lot of waving and very loud yelling. Dan desperately tried to stop the scene by holding baby Hannah high up in the air for Sophie to see. "Here she is". He mouthed to Sophie. "Sing!" he tried to convey. I leaned forward in my pew and tried to loud whisper Sophie's name while making sign language at her to just sing! For goodness sakes, just sing!!!! Oh no. Why should she?

Well, to top all things off, the director of the daycare came forward with a beautiful cake adorned with one lone candle. The kids sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. As soon as the director got to the front of the church with the cake, Sophie dives from the third row up to be the first to blow out the candle. Thanks Sophie. Knock those smaller kids down. Don't let them win! Oh geez.

I apologized to the director afterwards for Sophie's rock star antics. She just laughed and said, "This has been the best concert to date!"

So.....So what? Sophie's a rockstar. She's got her rock moves. And she doesn't need meeee and guess what? She's having more fun. And now that that's done, she's gonna show you tonight....she's alright.....she's just fine! And mom's a spazzz so....So what?

We got some good family pics afterwards, along with some pics with Sophie's awesome preschool teachers and her little best friend Abbey. Night complete. We left very proud parents of both of our tiny singers, rock star antics and all. Merry Christmas!


Sophie and her teachers

Me and the girls

Grandma Jan and Hannah

Uncle Dan and Hannah

Santa and the poor people

After learning about Toys for Tots at church yesterday, Olivia posed this question in the car: "Mom. Why doesn't Santa give presents to the poor people? That doesn't make sense!"

Errg. My stomach dropped. Yes, it now appears like Santa skips over poor people because she was told that some kids wake up with no presents under their tree on Christmas day because they are poor. Yikes. Another flaw in the Santa theory has been found.

Think fast Mom! I wasn't ready to break the news to a precious 5 year old heart. Geez, I believed in Santa until the fifth grade when a fellow classmate made a joke about it...."Yeah, like Santa's real". WHAT??? Anyway, I told her that Santa will find a way to get poor people a present on Christmas day, whether its by another person or by Santa himself or that he might ask God to help out too. Sometimes presents aren't always wrapped up either. Someone might serve the poor people dinner, or drop off food at the food bank. They might get a new coat or a hat. But we'd take a present to church too, just in case they need more than one.

Questions from children that make me sweat also make me think about the true structure of things in our society. Sometimes things just aren't set up right, and our traditions may be flawed. Children may be the first to point these out. Olivia Noelle always keeps me on my toes. :)

So we will bring a toy for a tot and hopefully make a poor family's Christmas. Maybe I'll tell her Santa told me to drop it off. Hmmmm.....all this work to try to preserve a childlike wonder, an excitement to rival all others, wondering even if it doesn't make sense....is Santa real? Wouldn't that be fantastic? For now, we'll keep up the facade. I just can't let go yet.

Surprises

We were given our first Christmas gifts last night. We've been in anticipation of a surprise party put on my Dan and Amy (my brother and sister-in-law) for weeks. What could it be about? The Christmas movie marathon was already scheduled, and most of us were to be at the Christmas Eve service at church. Dan graduates with his MBA the following week after the marathon so what on earth could it be? Why would we need another get together? So we pondered this........

1. Maybe Amy was pregnant and there would be a big announcement!
2. Maybe we were actually going swimming at Adventureland


This is when Dan and Amy said to bring our swimsuits. Then they told us closer to the date to dress nice but bring a set of grubby clothes, like what you'd paint in for our activity.

3. Wait, is Dan making us redo his basement? To this idea Mom replied (in the typical all-loving all-accepting motherly response), "Well, even if we are redoing their basement, they'll get a pool table and a ping pong table and we'll have some great family times down there so it will be worth it." :) I suppose.

4. Are they moving?
5. Did Dan get a new job? No, he just did. Maybe he's moving up again?
6. Did they win the lottery?? (I really wondered this).

So, we dressed up and showed up with our sacks of grubby clothes, ready to paint the basement and hear Amy was pregnant, they were moving, Dan got a new job, and they had won the lottery.

"Merry Christmas!!!" Dan yelled as we walked in the house. It smelled great in there and it looked gorgeous as only Amy can create. "Um, hi. Merry Christmas". I said this reluctantly because I didn't actually know this was a Christmas party. I brought nothing. Crap. And I was a tad under dressed. Grumble in my mind.

Dan was obviously excited beyond all belief and I walked in to say hi to Amy and find the baby. That's my normal routine. Where's the baby? Amy was cooking at the stove, something that smelled divine, and she was even wearing a soft apron. (She's awesome like that and I love her.) The table was set elaborately. There was wine and homemade place settings. There was Christmas music playing in the background. It was a gorgeous sight to behold. So I relaxed. We hung out and chatted. They had set up babysitting for us with their neighbors next door and even ordered a pizza for the kids, so I helped Dan take them over there. Special delivery. We raise you three more kids to your two already small children. How nice of them! I was starting to feel special. As I was chatting with this neighbor, Dan and the neighbor guy had gone out to check something out outside as all men do at some point every evening. Suddenly, Dan came rushing in saying to the neighbor lady, "It's still a surprise! Have you told her?" He was laughing and out of breath. "No, of course not!" the neighbor girl said. So we thanked them and left and now I was REALLY wondering.

We sat down to the BEST dinner I have ever had and I'm not exaggerating. We had prime rib and it just melted in your mouth, and salad, and homemade rolls, and strawberries dipped in chocolate to top it all off. Amazing. But before we had started our salads, Dan and Amy uncovered their surprise.

Dan told us the meal was meant to make a memory for us. It was part of their Christmas gift to us, and since Lianna and Shawn wouldn't be with us Christmas Eve or Day this year, it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Also, under your plate you will find an envelope. Everyone must open it at the same time. Remember, the purpose of this night is to make a memory for our family......so wait for one another.....and then open it together to find out a clue about our activity for tonight.....

So we all grabbed our envelopes and looked nervous excitedly around at the others...."Ready?" Mom said? We were ready. So we opened our envelopes. A ticket was inside!!!

TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA
Admit one
TONIGHT @ 8 pm

"Ahhhhhh!!!!! Whooohooooo!!!!"

A little background here. Our family LOVES Christmas. What's more, we LOVE Christmas music. We all but wear out our Mannheim Steamroller CD's shortly after Thanksgiving. And this year, I saw that Mannheim was coming to Des Moines. So I rallied the troops and decided we were going. But somehow, the tickets wouldn't sell to us and Mom couldn't get them reserved. It turns out that Mom really didn't even know what Dan and Amy were up to either. It just didn't work! Isn't that amazing? I would have ruined their surprise. But I didn't. Because the tickets wouldn't sell. As Lianna and I would say, this was a true Christmas miracle...like the ham left on my plate that one year shaped like a candy cane. Yep. True story.

Anyway, they had treated us to dinner. This was memorable in and of itself, but then to treat us out to one of our biggest dreams ever....there we were, ticket in hand. Surprise complete. We had an hour to finish dinner.

The concert was fabulous. There were lights and lasers, firebombs, and sparks, fantastic music, a funny narrator that no one could follow but funny just the same, and a FANTASTIC night out as family. One we will never forget, thanks to Dan and Amy, crowned the new couple of suspense. We had a blast!

I have never been capable of surprises. It was all I could do NOT to tell others what I bought them for Christmas because I couldn't contain my excitement. But lesson learned, sometimes surprises are more fun than anything else. We feel truly blessed to have a family like this and last night was a blast. Thank you Dan and Amy and H. We love you very much!

A new tradition?

A new tradition may have been born last night. My first annual best friends party took place last night. Everyone was told to bring their favorite cookie recipe or family recipe and we'd all cook it up together, splitting the batches before we left....all while drinking wine. I was very excited for this party and I planned as much as a non-planner could plan. I made little tiny Christmas trees for each guest that symbolized them to me. All silver bling for Angela, red modern metal balls for architect Katie, black and silver to match Amy's room, obnoxious display for the other Amy because that's how our family does Christmas, crosses for Jess because we love God, puppies for Stephanie because she dresses up her dogs, black for Connie because she is sexy like that, bright pink for Shawna because she wears it a lot, and a multi-colored, artsy tree for my expressive friend Theresa. I made a great Christmas playlist on Itunes, and I bought new wine glasses since my previous ones didn't survive 4 moves + 2 babies + Steve. I made a big batch of chili and tried to find matching bowls. I bought wine and got out and cleaned all of my baking dishes and pans. Steve even let me buy a pack of 3 new cookie sheets. Lucky. Anyway, I hope all my work paid off. Everyone seemed to have fun and so did I. Here are some pics. You can tell which ones were pre-wine. Not very many. One, maybe.



These ones turned out. Thumbs up.

A very funny turkey Olivia brought home from school. She lovingly gave it to Theresa as a gift.

Theresa tried a new healthy cookie recipe. They tasted like dog treats.
Katie & Amy

A "family" portrait with Jess

Let me highlight my guests of honor for you. Amy- my sister in law, Katie-my friend from ISU and camp, Amy-my best friend since we were little punks at camp, Theresa-nursing school friend, Shawna-nursing school friend, Connie-nursing school friend, Jess-nursing school friend, Angela-hard to explain how we met friend but really good friends for life, Stephanie-roommate from ISU. Connie and Stephanie couldn't make it and Shawna had to leave for work (the life of a nurse), but we had a great time overall. Lianna was there in spirit of course.

The point of the party was to celebrate my friends, because I really have great ones. Of course, all of my really good friends don't live close by or even in Iowa or even in the midwest anymore (gasp!). But for the ones close by and the ones far away (Tara, Tanya, Jana, & Nicki), I love you! And thanks for standing by me through drama and calm. Let's all celebrate another year past and a new year around the corner.

22 days until Christmas!

Phew

Yesterday scared the crap out of me. Olivia got in a ATV accident with her cousin. One had the throttle and one had the steering. One freaked out and let go and the other freaked out and didn't let go of the throttle and they hit Grandpa and Grandma's camper head on. Steve said Olivia's head put a dent in the fender of the camper and the four-wheeler did some damage to the side of the camper as well. From the kitchen window, I saw Steve running towards the camper and the two kids on top of each other and I ran outside as fast as I could to see what happened. Olivia was screaming and crying and her nose was bloody and blood was coming out of her mouth. Her face was puffy and already bruising. THANK GOD she was wearing a helmet. THANK GOD she did not lose consciousness. THANK GOD that she did not break her neck or worse. But her poor little face. The left side is very bruised and her lip protrudes further than her nose!

Steve feels awful. I feel awful because I told him not to let them do it. So now I bite back my I told you sos because I know he feels terrible. But I couldn't hold back my motherly instinct to save the baby. Forgetting all common sense or nurse sense, I picked her up out of the mess and tore up the steps with her to safety. Nevermind that her neck may have been injured? Come on Mom! Anyway, this whole scene made me very very thankful for my little Livy Lu and even more thankful that things weren't worse. Growing up in Pomeroy, I saw kids driving pick ups on the farm that didn't even have their permit yet. They drove tractors and farm equipment, ran mowers and whatever else was lying around. In town, we were lucky to ride in the front seat of the Crown Victoria.

Neither mentality is right or wrong, it's just different. So Steve and I have always butted heads on this subject. I always feel like a psycho for protesting, and so I back down. But even we can agree that if we let the kids do these things, we've got to do better. Things could have been so much worse than a ruined four-wheeler and a damaged camper and a banged up face. Steve knows this now and so do I. And just a gentle reminder here. Helmets save lives. Absolutely. 100%. Thank God she was wearing a helmet.

Our lesson was learned yesterday. Be ever vigilant. It's ok to be a crazy mom of safety. Put the nerdy knee and elbow pads on them. Pad their butts with pillows. Put on a HELMET. Whatever. Appreciate the babies. Protect them. Love them. Even if I'm overreacting, yesterday scared the crap out of me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Steve and the girls will be leaving today for Sioux City for their family Thanksgiving. While I am part of that family, I also am a new nurse. Welcome to working holidays Mel! But, I have to say that I'm very very thankful that I somehow escaped working Christmas this year and will only be working Christmas Eve night. I also am blessed enough to get the week after Christmas off for our annual snowmobiling trip to the Black Hills with Steve's family. This is a huge feat for this new nursey, but I'll be there, only to scurry back and work New Years Eve and New Years Day, but hey, we are counting blessings right?

For my Thanksgiving this year, I'll get to spend the morning with my family at my mom's in Beaverdale. While this should sound normal, its not for me. Lianna and Shawn were supposed to host Thanksgiving at their new house in Iowa City. Shawn is a fantastic chef and everyone was excited, but wait....Mel could come if we did it in Des Moines, even if its for a short while, and BAM. It's here. Isn't my family phenomenal? I feel very very lucky to have a family like this and I'm equally glad to be a part of Thanksgiving this year...even if its for a short while. So, I'm bringing a half of ham and some rolls and I'll treasure my hours there in my mom and Darrell's gorgeous little Beaverdale home with a fireplace and gorgeous wood floors. The little cottage that is so full of love and good food, I can't wait to get there. Let's not forget Lianna's pies. Whew. I almost forgot.

There is something calming about my mom's house. I get there, and I instantly feel like taking a nap. This could be because of the best couch ever made and they happen to be the lucky owners, but it also could be that I just feel taken care of there. My kids are having fun, they have food in their bellies, they're playing with the toys on the "new play room" aka a new rug Mom and Darrell bought to spice up the wood floors. As soon as we walked in and saw it, the girls ran in and screamed, "BAM GOT US A NEW PLAY ROOM. YAYYYYY!" This is where I use this example to justify anything I buy for our house. It's for the kids. Hmmmmm. But, the point is, we are very taken care of. Moms seem to never fail. Even if they fail at some point in our lives (which mine never did), they always seem to come through in the end, somehow or someway, in a small gesture or in a big way your entire life. This is why the first thing I'm thankful for this year is family. From them moving it to Des Moines just for me, to my mom being amazing and Darrell being a instant fabulous addition to our group, to my sister and brother and their awesome counterparts, to the phenomenal little children that play on the new play rug (including the cutest baby in the world, Hannah, who now rolls with the big dogs and plays on the rug too), to the simple fact that we have a home to go to, and I have a job to work at, and the best husband in the world. I feel like I might have some things to be thankful for.

Since Steve and Mel formed this team, we have never been rich. In fact, we have been anything but rich. I remember when we lived in Solon and Steve worked insane hours. I had one little baby and one on the way. Then she was born and we were more busy. I worked two part time jobs and attempted to go to school. We barely made rent each month and had nothing left over for anything. We were short every month, without a doubt. I got sick, we had more bills. A couple of times we had to beg Steve's boss to pay him early so we could make it through. But, we were always taken care of. Someone always came through to help. A small group from our church brought us meals while I was sick. Steve's parents babysat the girls for two whole weeks while I was in the hospital and recovering at home. My mom was there at my bedside ALWAYS, missing work, coming to pick me up to go back to the ER, watching the girls so Steve could drive me. My sister came to the hospital when I was sick. I was off at a test, but she dropped off the softest blanket there was along with a fuzzy elephant I'll never get rid of. This made me feel comfortable and safe, and yes, I was 20 something. Our parents sent money when they could saving the day or the month or whatever. Our new friends banded together to deliver the largest delivery of gifts for my girls, already wrapped, ready to live under the tree....giving us the largest Christmas ever to happen at the Clark household to date. As if that wasn't enough, they also brought baskets and bags of food. Tons of it. And they gave us more money for food and gas.

Let me just say that it is not easy to be a charity case. It is not fun. It does nothing but stomp your pride into the dirt. However, these people came because they were called by God, whether they knew it or liked it or not. God was listening to my prayers back then as much as he is now. This is how he provides comfort. This is how we are given hope. This is how we are taken care of. This is why we should listen when we get that feeling that we should do something. We get that thought that pops into our minds from no where (or somewhere :). So....

I contrast this with today. Our bills are still present, but things have turned around for us. I have a good job now. We play catch up every month same as always, but now its to pay off debts we've accrued over the years. And sometimes we, GASP, have a little left over. In fact, we have TONS left over if you compare this to our life just a few short years ago. (A hundred dollars = tons). :) Anyway, we have two cars that drive, a house that is ours (kind of)...if you don't count the bank. Our children are healthy, happy, and well dressed. We have a cute puppy and a fenced in back yard. I can afford Tide, my new favorite thing.

This all brings me to an awkward conclusion. I think I might be thankful for our struggles. I think I might be quite ungrateful if it weren't for those really hard times. There might be less love in our house if those days hadn't happened to us.

We have been given so much over these past 6 years. Luke 12:48-"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

Have you noticed how a thought might come into your head and then you are bombarded with things that back up what you've been thinking about? This has happened to me time and time again with our church as it did again this week when our pastor spoke on money. Here is the link if you'd like to listen. http://sermons.hopewdm.org/sermons/2008.11.23_Bible-Money.mp3 It was phenomenal. It is life changing. In light of these past 6 years, I'd like to say that I'm finally ready to give back. It may not always be monetarily, but it will be a recurrent theme in my life. This year (a tad early for New Years) my resolution is to give to others. Because now that our heads are above water, we can encourage others who are sinking. So, I'm listening for that thought or watching for that idea. Then I'll act on it. So don't be weirded out when I call you to come with me somewhere random. I think this might be fun. Who wants to play?

Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you for giving to us over the years. We are so thankful for you!

Our hair did

Silly sisters


Wild child


Crazy blondie


Accessories


Who's kid is this?


Our Christmas countdown chain


A brand new do


Two more brand new dos

I need more pictures

Oops. I got too into writing and less into picture taking. I'll get back on track.

A few whys, but mostly thank you

Olivia, very much out of the blue, asked at dinner last night, "Why did God make fire-ants?"

Yes, why DID God make fire ants? They sting. They make little camouflaged huts in the brown grass of Florida and attack unsuspecting little feet or legs or whatever and bite bite bite! If you jump in water, they climb faster (up your legs) and they don't die in water. Where is one to escape their fury??

This brought me to think about other things I'd like to question the existence of. I'm sure God welcomes questions as long as we preface our questions with "not that I question your authority or anything, but..."

So, not that I question your authority or anything, but why did you make:

Spiders. EW! Just the thought of the word makes me cringe. I refuse to listen to the rebuttal so don't even try. We could've come up with something better to kill other bugs. Plus, they don't kill all of them anyway! And what's with the big butt ones?? AHHHH!

Slush. Snow is beautiful and rain is nice, but mixed?

Locusts. What's with the gross shell left behind?

Rhiovirus. How much more disgusting can you get with a cold that won't go away and more snot than you ever thought imaginable? Why does it stay in my throat and make me gag? I'd be much more efficient without this illness and more ready to serve. What's the deal?

Potty-training. Why can't babies be born knowing where to go and where not to go? The human body is fantastic, but why do we have to crap our pants for the first 3 years and the last few too?

Ok. That isn't a huge list or anything. Since I questioned some things, I'd also like to applaud some things.

Sun. Great job on the sun! I love being warm and it makes me tan. Things grow under it (that's awesome) and it warms our earth making us not need MidAmerican Energy. Thank you for the sun.

Water. Swimming, boating, drinking, cooking, floating, baths, showers, laundry, rain, oceans, ice (for my pop, not the weather kind), hot tubs. Thank you. I really love water.

Smelling. I think this is a very cool sense. I like the idea of it and I think its amazing how we connect smells with memory. That's really neat. Like, I always get out my pine candle at Christmas time (truthfully, a little before Thanksgiving), and this makes me think of Christmas, and family, being little, church, cookies, presents, snow, ornaments, pajamas, The Grinch, etc. Then I think about how we used to decorate our little house in Pomeroy in a ridiculous way. Tinsel, and obnoxious strings of puffy red things, yarn creations, ornaments, gold angels, silver other things that didn't match, big strings of lights, little lights, white lights, colored lights, 14 different stockings even though there were only five of us, candles, table covers, Chrismoose (a Christmas moose), etc. etc. etc. Martha Stewart would pass out! But we thought it was awesome! And it was.

Mannheim Steamroller. Thank you for them.

The human body. Very cool. Down to the smallest cell, everything has a purpose. Everything has a job. There are tiny things attacking invaders as we speak keeping us safe. Our heart beats on its own and we don't even think about it until it doesn't or its threatened. Also, thank you for teaching us how to do open heart surgery. Wow. They shut off the heart for 4-5 hours and surround it in ice, work on it, and then JUST TURN IT BACK ON!!!!! It works. It's unbelievable!!!!!!

Thank you for thunderstorms. They bring a feeling. And we get to tell the kids that God is bowling and got a strike! Or something like that. They are scary but not too scary so we get to just be excited. That's fun.

Animals. They are the funniest things ever. They are silly and make us laugh and they are cute and make us want to snuggle with them. They become our friends, or food (odd combo), and they can just plain keep us entertained.

Pumpkins. I'll eat anything pumpkin. Very good creation.

Finally, I'd like to applaud God on kids. Kids are THE coolest people on Earth. They see things for the way they are, in their plainest form, far reaching from the adult skewed perception, without our preconceived notions or the judgments we have from years ago. No, kids see beauty, and they see purpose. Except for in fire ants, and I'd have to agree.

Here's another thought to ponder from Olivia. "Mom, why can't we remember the future?" Now technically, this isn't a dumb question. Considering the scientists theories on time and space, we technically should be able to remember the future. Thoughts anyone?

Privacy

I'm a pretty open person, but yesterday I had two strangers post comments on my most recent blogs. While they were nice comments, it made me a tad uneasy, so I've upped security on my blog. This bums me out because I love to open and sharing, but geez. Not to the entire world. So, I've re-invited everyone I can think of right now to become a reader on my blog. If you accept this invitation, you should be able to read it at any time and leave comments. If you can't for any reason, PLEASE let me know and I'll work to change it. I'm still pretty new to this scene, but I don't want to make it harder for friends and family to keep in touch. That's not my intent! If there is anyone who is not included that you know wants to be, just shoot me their email address. It is very easy on my end to add them as a reader.

Thanks for being patient and thanks for reading! It means a lot to me!


Mel

A virtuous woman

In light of Mrs. Beth's entry into heaven, we have been inspired. People these days rarely die heroic deaths anymore. Due to modern medicine and modern culture, we rarely die in sword fights or in hot pursuit of our enemies, on horseback or on sinking ships, nor are we often confronted with sacrificing our life to save another's. But I do want to say that Beth died a heroic death. She faced what lied before her and did not flinch. She did not accept defeat or cower down in fear. She continued on with what she always did. She played piano, she served the church, she taught students until she couldn't anymore. She loved others and loved her family. She worked hard. She created beautiful things.

Recently, I've been confronted with a bit of a women's rights movement in my own heart. After a daunting bible study experience focusing on the topic of "a woman's place", I felt compelled to prove what I was hearing wasn't true. First of all, the fact that I didn't have immediate ammo from scripture reflected on my lack of knowledge of the Bible, a lack that I intend to change this year. Also, it gave me the opportunity to be led by faithful women that know their stuff, stepping out of the woodwork to save the day. My mom, and my friend Tara. (I could spend an entire lifetime praising awesome women like this).

Let me preface all of this by saying that I am not a feminist. I think women are amazing and I love that we have equal opportunity, sometimes only in theory, but I also am annoyed by women sportscasters and djs. They do a fine job, it's just that...well, I don't know. Sometimes, I'm just a little chauvinist. So, when this study of sex and marriage turned into a lesson on "headship" and how women should honor God by staying home with the children only, I listened. I wondered. I pondered this. I let it sink it. I felt guilty and conflicted.

So, I turned to my mom and to a good friend's listening ear, and here is what I received. The same thing from both. Proverbs 31. I really really really encourage you to read it if you haven't. I hadn't. Ok, now I don't trust you to read it so I'll put it here.

This isn't simply a debate on whether women should stay home with the kids or not. Both apply here, and if this is our only debate, we've missed the point.

Proverbs 31, verse 10-31

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her saying, "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

I am not sure that I can convey my excitement from these verses here in text, but I can bring it together in an illustration that we can all appreciate. For anyone who knew Beth, and for those who didn't, you do know someone who fits this bill. She works harder than anyone we know. Her family is well taken care of. She creates things and is successful in her business matters. She is talented and her heart is kind and giving. She gives every day of her life. She uses her talents for the glory of the Lord. She gives and loves and this defines her. And in the end, her name is well known at the gate....or in her town....or by her family and friends. She isn't well known simply because she is a do-er. She has done everything she has done in the name of the Lord. She has used her gifts from God for others. She honors God and others through them.

Beth was a Proverbs 31 woman. Read about her in my sister Lianna's or my Mom's blog. I knew Beth inspired me. She inspired me in every way. Now I know why....it's biblical. :)

Girls, love yourselves and do me a favor, don't feel guilty anymore. Feeling guilty seems to be a rite of passage for mother's and for all women in general, but please don't anymore. Look at what God gives us as an example of a virtuous woman. Find yourself in it. Business or home or both? Find yourself in it and be that. I can't think of a woman I know that doesn't have a place in those verses. We don't have to be perfect in everything, we just have to try and use our gifts for God and others and maybe stop wasting time beating ourselves up with inadequacy wars? Or maybe just I do that. I have a feeling not, however.

I just want to say that Beth was one of the most fantastic women I've ever met. I can't and won't ever be able to play piano like she did. I cannot give that gift. But I can give other gifts. So can you. Thank you Beth for living a heroic life, and dying a heroic death and inspiring everyone along the way. Your reward has GOT to be unimaginable in heaven!! We can't wait to see you again.

Salami and school lunch

The girls have been extra cute lately. After a wild day at work, I arrived home late last night to jumping up and down, screaming little girls at the door, and so Steve joined in jumping up and down and screaming too. He's awesome like that. So this started a giggle war which resulted in a sandwich hug, so we squeezed the monkeys in between us and they laughed and squirmed. Then we let go and Sophie screamed, (literally...we call this her eagle scream), "I'M THE SALAMI, AND LIVY'S THE CHEESE AND AND AND MOM AND DAD ARE BUNS! DO IT AGAIN!" So we did. "NOW TAKE A BITE!!!!" she screeched, so we did...right out of her belly, which resulted in multiple belly laughs, then wrestling. The beginning of our nightly routine....

This morning, Olivia told me a very exciting story about how Mrs. Jones, her Kindergarten teacher, let her sharpen pencils last week. "The sharpener isn't like ours with the crank, Mom. It's rematic and does it by magic!!!" I corrected her with the word automatic but other than that, that was the most exciting story ever! Especially to her!

On our way back from swimming at the Y tonight, we stopped to get gas in Polk City before heading up the hill to home. The girls and sat in the car while Steve filled up the car and then went overboard scrubbing all the windows and checking things. So we were bored. Sophie and Olivia started whining incessantly about candy in the store and how they needed a treat and how good they were. When all of their efforts failed, Sophie threatened me saying, "Mom! If you don't give me food, I will starve and then not love you anymore!" I said sadly, "Aww...Soph, you didn't mean that. Those are just things and we are people. Things go away and people are here with you and love you. Don't say that to mom." She was quiet and then said adamantly, "FINE! I LOVE YOU! Now giiive me a TWEAT!!!!!" Even Olivia laughed at her antics. Then Sophie joined in and decided she was being silly. Sometimes, I think she might become an actress...someplace that fully appreciates her outbursts and eagle screeches.

Another funny thing I found last night after work was the girls' room an organized mess. All of the buckets from their toy organizer were dumped out in one big pile, and each bucket was lined up on the floor in rows. Then, in each bucket, there was one animal, each a different specie. Sophie came barreling down the stairs and screeched, "SEE OUR ZOO MOM?!" She then showed me a special cage she made for her plastic lizard. She built a special home out of these magnet shapes you can put together to build anything. Pretty cool. But she had not only made the structure, but put a bale of hay next to it, a rock for the lizard to sit on, complete with a Barbie fireplace, and a litter box.....for the lizard. Impressed, I asked if the lizard had a name. Sophie said, "Yep. Sella."

OK. Sella it is. Sella is living large.

This week, Olivia has a special Thanksgiving dinner at school. The school lunch ladies put together an extra special meal with Thanksgiving type food, and the kids get to invite their parents to join them. Even though I work the night before, and the meal is at noon, I wouldn't miss it for the world. Olivia was so excited to invite me. I could not fail her. So, on Thursday, I'll not take Benedryl to go to sleep that morning after work, and I'll get up in time to dress to meet her for our date, in the school cafeteria. I can't wait.

New words

Has anyone noticed the "words" you have to type in before posting a comment on someones blog? They are hilarious! They are almost words, should-be words. Things like keptus, quoping. I don't know. It made me laugh anyway.

Writer's strike resolved

Thanks to Lianna joining the blogger world, I can now end my writer's strike. Five days! Has it really been five days? Five days, and I still don't have anything to say. I'll come up with something. This is probably the part where you click off this page now. I should've confessed that later in the entry.

Well, here are some things that have been happening in the last five days:

I listen to Christmas music now, unabashedly unashamed. My favorite site is on Itunes Radio, under the Holiday category, "Christmas Melody"... self-proclaimed, "The most beautiful Christmas music in the world". It's free people, and sometimes it sings songs in other languages. What are you waiting for? Thanksgiving to be over? That's unfounded.

I have gone through the entire bottle of holiday edition coffee creamer, peppermint mocha. It's really...really....good.

I love my job again. See how fickle I am? Look, this blog isn't always to sing my praises, how great I am, how perfect I am, how super my kids are, how hot my husband is...oops. Because we are none of those things, except for Steve of course. I for one, am a major whiner, self-labeled, fighting this battle...trying desperately to kick my own title. Thank you for accompanying me on that journey. Thank you for loving me, and others, along their journeys. None of us are perfect. I'm am lovingly reminded of this fact, by none other than God Himself, each time that I venture into the disillusioned mindset territory of perfect. I think that we all should make a list of our shortfalls sometimes. Not to put ourselves down, but to teach ourselves a lesson. I know up until lately, I've been living the life of a victim, wondering when these things would stop happening to me. Poor me. I'm so good! I try so hard! Why? Why must I suffer? Ahem...hello...I'm really NOT that good, and bad things don't magically stop happening to you, even if you are "good". Things apparently continue to happen to you your entire life. How do you handle these things? I don't recommend you handle them like me...see my self-dialogue above. The point is, for me anyhow, that things always happen to you. I'm beginning to realize that some of these "negative" things happen for you. The negative things that I encounter in my life somehow always bring me back to God, lovingly of course, and make me realize that I should lean on Him more. My mom and I talked about this briefly this morning on our quick "I miss you a lot today" phone call amongst our busy mornings, she said, "I'm just trying to remind myself to lean on God more during my day. I can't fix everyone, but He can." And I said, "OMG, (G=gosh of course), me too! I decided that is what I was doing wrong at work!" None of us are super hero saints. None of us are martyrs. We cannot do everything we put our minds to....that is, without God's helping hands. End huge paragraph here.

I took this new mindset to work yesterday. Yes, it was a very busy day for me. Yes, I got a patient that I had no idea what to do with. I had never started a nitroglycerin drip before. Yes, I had to do math (may it still burn in hell). Yes, I had a poor situation with his astronomical blood pressure. I had to get every single one of my daily total of 7 patients ready for cath lab AND get them back to recover them later. But this time, humbly, I did my best, leaned on God for the rest, used humor and friendliness to get us all through, and somehow, I left with 7 new friends, not enemies, not bad memories of another failure of a day. Surprisingly, the staff rallied around me to help me get all these things done, never annoyed, but understanding. Thank God for yesterday, literally.

And in light of myself not being perfect AT ALL, here is my downer list:

Sometimes, I yell at my kids just because I'm tired and don't want to be bothered. They don't deserve that.

Sometimes, I take my frustrations out on Steve when I get home. I tell him to stay away from me, definitely not touch me, and I go to bed alone, just as lonely as my day was.

Sometimes, I forget to appreciate my husband, so let me take a break from my downer list and say, I am now convinced that Steve the Great CAN actually do anything. This past couple weeks, Steve has successfully torn apart our tiny bathroom and begun a fantastic transformation into a bigger one, for me.....and he somehow was born with plumber/carpenter/electrician/decorator instinct. Where does this come from? Also, I awoke a week ago with the temperature on our thermostat reading 56 degrees. I could barely move. I whined that I was finally going to call the heater guy and Steve agreed that he didn't know much about furnaces, so I made the call that morning and they were going to come over the next day. But when I got home that night, our house was a toasty 71 degrees and Steve was sitting there lounging in his socks on our chair. I said, "What did you do!!!?" He nonchalantly told me, "I just turned on a different valve. Let me show you." We ventured down to our furnace where he pointed to a web of wires/valves/pipes on the ceiling. "See, this one runs to the main part of the house and it has two settings"...blah blah blah. I stopped him in his words and said, WHATEVER. THANK YOU!!!! YOU ROCK! And that is my conclusion, that Steve rocks.

On to other things, I don't ever make my bed unless someone is coming over, which is weird, because they won't be using my bed anyway.

Sometimes, I judge people unfairly, seeing them through how they treat me, and not what they might be going through.

Sometimes, I park in "patient only" parking.

I buy $3.90 starbucks twice a week with my badge at work and then tell Steve we can't spend money.

Olivia asked me if she could tell me her story the other night at bed. This is a ritual we have where I climb the steps to her top bunk and she tells me a story that she makes up on the spot, and we laugh and then we hug and love each other up and she goes to bed. I told her no, I was too tired, not in a nice way either, just go to bed!....I'd give anything for that moment back now.

I think about our future house in the country and my nice fantasy car in my head sometimes and don't appreciate the ones we have. This is the home we'll remember anyway! This is where the best memories we have are made. This fantasy doesn't exist because we need more space or that this one isn't good. It's because I'm greedy. I bet the people that live on the acreage that I want, want the one down the road with the pond, and the people with the pond want the huge castle house on Beaver Rd, that's insanely huge and actually is built as a CASTLE. Really? In Iowa? Whatever, this isn't for me to judge, but I just did, shoot. The point is, we all do this, but I want to stop and enjoy this one we have. This one is the one Steve and I have worked together to redo. This is the one I really love. Sometimes I forget that.

Well, that's just a short list of the things I'd like to get rid of from me. I don't like those parts of me. There are worse parts too. The point being, that I temporarily got prideful. I temporarily lived the victim mentality. I realize now that I hate that. I realized I'm stronger than that. God makes me stronger than that. I realize that's not what I want to teach my children. I want them to be strong, Godly women, able to conquer any situation with grace and finesse because they know they are backed by God. They lean not on their own strength, or understanding for that matter.

Other things we've been doing in the past five days include:

Olivia is reading!!! It's so fun! She tries so hard! I can tell they are doing fabulous things in school. She showed me yesterday how to karate chop words! She did this whole tae kwon do acting out of how to chop words down into their sounds, so you can sound out any word. She said, "See, C (hands up the in air and one foot out ready to kick), Aaaaa (moving her hands into position for the chop), "TT" (karate chop to the floor)! All sounds in the word complete. We laughed and laughed. That was the best thing I've seen in a long time.

Sophie got her "school" pictures taken. They are HILARIOUS. I ordered some and will post them when they arrive.

Well, that concludes what has turned out to be the longest blog entry ever. That's what writing is for me. I spew everything out that comes into my brain onto this page, and hope someone reads it and cares. It's ok if no one does, it's just nice if they do. So, here's to Lianna, for starting her own blog. Now I can end my writer's strike. This is helpful for me, because doing this it turns out, is the most therapeutic thing I do. Plus, now I can read the fabulous words of my ever-wise and creative sister, who still teaches me things to this day.....more responsible, more thoughtful, creative and fun, I have so much to learn!

Enjoy your day.....

Should I say it?

"Should I say it Clark?" A great quote from a great movie that is broken out of bondage from it's spot on the DVD shelf this time of year. Christmas Vacation. Chevy Chase genius. Or if you lived temporarily with your brother and his roommates in Ames, it may play on repeat all day every day no matter what time of year it is. Either way.

Please forgive me while I celebrate our first "snow", as in the flurries that flew yesterday all afternoon. After working all night and sleeping most of the morning, I woke up to the white stuff flying through the air, the wind howling outside, me in my warm....well, almost warm/heater not working right/warmer than outside house. There is something exciting, something revolutionary about the first snow. It brings a mindset. It brings a feeling. It reminds me that my favorite time of year is almost here....Christmas!!! Most of you know that I have a hard time making it through October without playing Christmas music, secretly of course, like when I'm writing at the computer. So far, I've only slipped once and it was in November after all, WAY closer than October, and completely justified because I was making Christmas cards!

Snow reminds me to visit HyVee, or the V as Steve and I call it, to purchase the latest "holiday" coffee creamer section and buy whipped cream. I'm reminded to make pumpkin bars, cookies, chex mix, homemade of course, put plastic on my windows, and buy a pine scented candle. It reminds me to keep my house nice and clean because this is where we are spending more and more time now, as the weather gets colder and outdoor activities seem less appealing. I remember to sign the girls up for swimming lessons and work out more at the gym. I think about snow boots and hats and gloves, put away the shorts and tank tops, hang up the sweaters and fold the jeans.

It reminds me to think about what I'd like to give for Christmas...not the latest CD or the latest anything, but a gift from the heart. My sister in law Amy and I discussed this on a walk the other day and I think she's right. Some Christmases feel like you might as well give someone $20 in a white envelope and call it good. Where has the thought gone? Where has the wonder gone? I'm reminded this year that you don't have to be creative to give gifts from the heart. They don't even have to be homemade. Just think about that person, what they love, what they enjoy, what they don't give themselves. How can you honor them as a person? How can you bring them joy for a moment or two, or sometimes permanently....I have received many "permanent" gifts this year. One came in the form of my own words, my own stories, all whirled creatively fantastic style into a beautiful scrapbook, created by my sister, Lianna for Christmas last year. She took all the blogs and email updates I had written about us, the girls, our lifetime of stories together and scrapbooked these for me into one book to cherish, and I really really do cherish this book. I had forgotten most of the things I had written and even had forgotten some of the things my kids had said or done that had made an impression on me at that time. How could I forget? How could I ever forget again? Old memories are replaced with new each year, but after reading this book she had made for me, I was determined to never lose a memory again. How permanent of a change did she make for me? For my kids that will read this book someday, when I'm gone and they need me back? For them or anyone to clearly see how deeply and totally crazy in love with them I am, have always been, will always be.

The other gift came to me in a card from my mom on graduation. I've shared this one before, but I just can't get enough. For all the years that I have beat myself up over and over, not feeling good enough, not fitting into the mom world, but not fitting into the single world either. No degree, a stack of unfinished things in my life. No money, nothing to show, nothing to give, as far as the world would say anyhow. But accomplishments don't have to be visual, or tactile, on paper or published. Some go beyond what we think we know about success, and true success can be found in anybody.

These words remind me that...

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

I encourage you to give gifts of the heart this year. Fill up an extra sack of groceries for the family in your church you know is struggling. Let your kids shove a dollar bill into the way too small hole in the Salvation Army bucket. Buy a weird poppy thing from the guy outside WalMart. Give your husband a tiny remote controlled helicopter that flies through the air and watch him laugh like a little girl! Thanks mom! Love the people around you in the language they understand.

Oh, one more thing happens to me when winter arrives, a sentimental range of thoughts. You might just want to skip my blog for the next month, unless you are one of those people that loves Delilah or something.....even I want to puke listening to her. Your sentiments might be the same about me. No worries. Feel free to pick this blog back up in February or something, or read this blog in secret and tell no one for fear of shear embarrassment. I'm a tad more negative during February. It's so boring. And I've definitely lost my love for winter by then. I promise not to be sentimental in that month at all.

You know what I'm missing in this blog? You. Post a comment. Tell me what the best gift you ever received was. I want to know!

Happy snow....I said it.

This is what we do

This is what Sophie and I do on our "days off" when Olivia is at school. We take random pictures of ourselves. Once Liv got home, we included her in our outdoors adventures and we raked and enormous pile of leaves! Sophie recruited Liv to her signature thumbs up for every picture.

Punctuation

Candy plagues me. "Mom! Can I have another piece of candy? PUHLEEEASE?? MOM!!! Mom! MOOMMMMUH! Can I have more candy? Mommmm! Sophie has more candy than me!" Ugh! Yesterday, Olivia asked me for the bazillionth time for more candy and I said "No. We've had enough for one day." The radio must have been too loud because Olivia said, "What?" To which I replied with a very loud, accentuated "I said, NO!!!"

My frustration must have rang through loud and clear because Olivia said under her breath, "Well, that had an exclamation point after it." This made me laugh. They must be working on punctuation at school....

Recently

Recently, we've been busy! The biggest news is that our little miss Sophie has reached the 4 year milestone and has done so in style. Most of you know that Sophie told me she wanted to be a scary tree for Halloween. She told me this at the beginning of October. Between the beginning of October and the end of October, Olivia changed her mind on her costume about 13 times. Sophie however, never wavered. I wanted her to, but she didn't. Since I don't have a clue how to sew nor possess creative thoughts, I waited to see if she would in fact change her mind and want to be Hannah Montana, or better yet, a PRINCESS....we have 11 of those costumes....something, anything I could buy? Well, her big girl mind never changed and I found myself the night before Halloween at Hobby Lobby, frantically searching for just the right materials to fashion a scary tree outfit for my blonde little heartbreaker. I humbly asked the fabric lady for help. I couldn't figure out how to pay for the fabric I wanted and did that mean I had to buy the whole roll? How do I know how long a yard is? Am I supposed to cut it? Geez. This is difficult!!! No wonder I don't sew. The fabric lady lovingly made my problems disappear and told me I wasn't alone. Lots of moms were in that day trying to make a costume last minute. So I breathed a sigh of relief, and suddenly felt recharged and ready for my craft night. I came home with a sack full of fake sticks, spanish moss, glue, burlap sack fabric, googly eyes, and fall leaves. All of these were lovingly hot glued (thank god), not sewed, to a brown sweat suit to form the long awaited scary tree costume...proudly adorned on Halloween/the big 4 bday by Sophie G. Clark. see below:

We are missing the full effect however, since her hood is not up. There are leaves to frame her face and for the actual trick or treating night, Grandma Jan painted on some truly scary eyebrows to top things off. All of the houses we visited knew what Sophie was and complimented her on her creativity, except one, who asked her if she was a bush, to which she adamantly cried, "I'm a SCAWWWY TWEE!" Come on old man!!!!

On Saturday, family and friends of SGC gathered at the Clark household to celebrate the big 4. Sophie had a blast! We had 7 babies present I think? 7 kids too, possibly. LOTS of adults, all happily crammed into our humble little house, stress on the little. But we had fun! Soup and homemade ice cream, presents, and puppies too!







All in all, a good party. Lots of WONDERFUL presents for Sophie. The list of goods included: new art supplies, a homemade tote bag complete with an attached puppy to hold the art supplies, a cd player, cds, movies, clothes, a Barbie with a dog that poops (pooper scooper included), a magical princess sing along wand/mat, an elephant family, dora take along cars, a set of animal family figurines, coloring books, crayons, a "real" kitty that meows and purrs and drinks a bottle? I'm probably forgetting something.....but really? Could Sophie be in heaven? Yes she is. She sleeps in her bed like a proud prosperous princess with all of her new little treasures by her side. She ended the present openings with a thank you to everyone and all the kids helped her tear into her new things and play play play.

Since all of our family was in town, we met up the next day at Steve's sister's house for brunch. The kids were sent outside to play and given some rakes and we raked up some leaves to jump in. It was a perfect day, perfect weather, much like today. What is with these 75 degree November days??? I won't complain. I remember having snow on Halloween SEVERAL years in a row. Anyway, it was a great weekend and Sophie couldn't be happier.



As you can see, the babies weren't impressed with the leaves.

Steve has been busy revamping our bathroom. If you haven't had the honor of seeing our only bathroom, let me paint the picture for you. You open the door. It hits a wall behind it. You squeeze in the doorway between the door that hit the wall and a sink that is directly in front of the door to get to a toilet crammed up against another wall. There's linoleum on the floor. It's ugly. The sink is poorly placed and you can see it is torn away from the wall a little. Hmmm. Looking to the left of the toilet a little and behind the wall the door hits, there's another TINY room with a shower in it, several shelves and a sad scale. There's a different linoleum design in this area, but yes, in the same room....complete with a gold metal strip between the two...to make a proper transition of course. Sigh.

Steve has done away with our mismatched flooring, torn out the wall the door hit, moved the sink into our now much bigger shower room and has begun redoing the drywall. Next is ceramic tile flooring, brand new and still in packages, excitedly found at a garage sale no less....we are ready. The old sink, small and sad, sits where our big new sink and counter will go when the funds arrive for us to purchase it. In the meantime, we have plenty to do: mirror, lights, painting, trim, flooring, dreaming. If there's only one bathroom around here, it might as well not make us want to puke. Good job Steve. You know, the longer I'm married to Steve the great, the greater he is. The man can do anything! And not even read the directions! I asked him how he knew how to do all the plumbing and he looked at me like I was crazy. He said, "You just hook up the pipes." Uhhhh.....I know. Sure. which ones???...... Anyway, he's cool. I think so anyway.

Well, that's all for now. Enjoy our summer that has extended into November!

PS. Thank you Mom for the pictures!!!!

Very blowy

In light of my recent state of mind and in regards to my current feelings about nursing, I've been humbly, lovingly reminded that I've forgotten to consider the most important factor in all of this. God. God is bigger than my feelings and is bigger than these people. I know I'm supposed to be here and, thank you Tara, he'll see me through. He has before, he will again. It is a frightening place without that knowledge, something temporarily forgotten in myself yesterday. Temporary and passing.

Today is extremely windy! My friend Tanya used to always say that Iowa is the windiest state in the U.S. and I think I might actually believe her without visiting every state in the U.S. to test this theory. I believe. We have 65 mile per hour gusts here today with blue skies and branches and corn stalks blowing through the air. It looks like a tornado in the sun. Big branches have fallen in our back yard and the wind is howling outside our windows. Someone's closet door is lying in our driveway. Hmmmm....It reminds me how glad I am to have this house to live in. What if I had to be outside today? And it's colddddd......Olivia said to me, "I just was not expecting this wind today!" As if she'd already considered what type of weather we'd have today and reality had dashed her hopes. I laughed and agreed. I hadn't expected it either.

Last night, Sophie and Olivia spent the night at Bam and Darrell's house. They did lots of fun things like painting, walking, playgrounding, playing blocks, making apple crisp, etc. I'm sorry I missed out, really, but Steve and I got some quality time at Menards. This is our fun thing to do. Visit Menards. We did it up right too. Four hours total, planning and trying to implement our plans for our bathroom with what we had tossed in our cart. I think we had too many thoughts and too few actual plans, but we did leave with enough materials (we think) for Steve to redo our bathroom floor this week. He had vacation time that expires with the new year and what better thing to do than to upgrade a bathroom? We did have fun though, but were exhausted when we finally got home. I was anyway. Steve was still rip roaring ready to go fill the truck up with mulch for the backyard. I already was in sweatpants on the couch with my wine cooler and some snacks. No peeling me away from that. He sadly went alone to pick up the mulch, but when he got home, we went to a movie. Eagle Eye. It was pretty fun to watch!

We picked up the kids this morning and went to church and out to eat with Mom and Darrell, Dan, Amy, Hannah, Lianna, Shawn, and the Clark family. It was a great day for indoor activity, complete with a long nap in Sophie's bed, laundry, and later...UNO...our favorite game. Next, I'll be working on granting Sophie's wish for being a scary tree for Halloween. I'm at a loss since I don't know how to sew, but determined not to let her down. So here we go.....

Have a great night!

Boo hoo

In light of me not wanting to become the eternal whiner, may I just say that I think I've finally hit the wall that we were told of in nursing school? It goes like this, you receive your license, never been more ecstatic, excited to practice nursing and you realize you are on your own! You make decisions you never thought you'd have to make and you do things so cool, you'd never thought you'd get the chance to do them, you help people change, you save someone's life, you feel like you make a real difference, you realize you are free, independent, on your own...

Then you realize that you are free, independent, on your own.... You realize that you don't get to see the positive outcomes or the happy endings, only the person in the midst of their need, in their lowest of lows, in their most vulnerable state. Shouldn't this be a blessing? Shouldn't I feel privileged to be there in that time? After all, that's why I did this anyway, wondering if there could be anything greater for me to do in my life than to be there for someone in their time of greatest need. Then, suddenly, people are mean, very rude, unbearably awful to you when you try to help. With your nicest voice and genuine concern you ask if they are having any pain only to have something thrown at you or thrown up at you, or a nasty comment, no comment at all, whatever. And for all that you do, and all that you are punished for not doing, you wonder, I wonder, why am I doing this? Does this make a difference at all? Why does nursing make it impossible to do a good job? If you focus on what is important, (the patient), and do what you should for them, you have done a good job. But wait, you also need to chart on 500 different pieces of paper in 500 different ways what you did and what you said and when you did it and how you said it and the patient's response and the doctor's orders and this and that and this...only for the purpose of covering your hospital's butt, if it has one, and if you do all this paperwork that you need to do to cover someone's ass that you've never met you've neglected your patient, the very purpose that gave you a purpose in the first place. How is it that we can do a good job then? Believe me when I say that 12 hours in a shift is not enough. People ask if the shifts get long. No, it doesn't. I am frantic at 6 pm, wishing for 3 more hours, knowing I'll apologize to the next shift for things left undone, all while knowing that I did my very best and I am run ragged. I leave defeated, unworthy, and I can't feel my legs.

Will the smokers quit smoking? No. Will they keep having heart attacks? Yes. Do they give a flying crap what you say? No. Are they angry that you don't give them the answer that they want? Yes. Will anyone be nice to the nurse?

I've got to get back to the place that I started....too excited for my own good. Ready for anything, unhurt by awful things that happen, unphased by the lack of accomplishment that lies ahead. I've got to get back there to this honeymoon phase they told us about before graduation...the phase that precedes the worst phase of all, burnout. Here I am burnout. I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to show up on Monday and I certainly don't want to be yelled at anymore. What difference do we make anyhow? I'm dying for a desk job, data entry possibly, stuff is concrete, on paper, into the computer, nothing is wrong, nothing is questionable, your work is measured by what you do, how much you do. It's concrete, predictable, people need it done. People want it done. Poor me. Boo hoo. Pity party here. Fully aware of it, no judgment needed on this. I'll snap out of it soon. Here's me being aware of what state I'm in and hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

I know how this sounds, pathetic, whiny, annoying, etc. For all the prayers and hopes and dreams I had to become a nurse, to disrespect this profession because it's hard? Grow up, Mel. Well, to be therapeutic, sometimes I must be honest with myself. This blog is my honesty. It is written for myself today in honor of my own pity party. I'm tired of waking up sweating after a dream I had about something I forgot to do at work. I just want to dream about something awesome, like a potluck at church. That's awesome. I just want to feel like I did a good job at something. I want to sleep through the night. I want to awake refreshed. I want to feel like I did something right.

When you are old or sick or hurt, love your nurses. Most of them love you. They want to help you. They want you to feel better. That's why we are here. What gives people the justification in their hearts to treat others so badly? I didn't want to become imbittered and calloused. How can you not? Just for your own protection?

Our class was told that these stages exist. We were given tools to survive the burnout. We were told the first six months are the hardest. Give it six months and you'll feel better. My whole life I've blown through stages, always ready for the next one before I should be...not always in a good way and not because I'm awesome. Simply because I've always wanted to push forward and get to the next step, horribly lacking in delayed gratification my mom tells me. She loves me nonetheless. Perhaps I will blow through this one too, not wanting to wallow in this miserableness for one more second than I have to, and rearrive in the place of nursing happiness, able to separate myself from mean people's words, able to go home thinking about home and not work, able to sleep soundly in my bed without moving to the couch or waking up in fear, able to clock in without a pit in my stomach and a knot in my throat, able to laugh when my patient is ridiculous, able to brush it off when I've failed. Let me blow through this stage like I've always wanted to do and get back to where I started (excited for the possibilities). I'd like to stay in that stage a while longer.

Out with the old....

and no longer useful no matter how old.....today is a rainy cold day perfect for organizing and rummaging, and filing, and recycling. Old curtains from when we moved in, tableclothes long shrunken and faded in the dryer, STACKS of papers from nursing school that I'll never use, or want to use, again. A stack that has been growing, intended for Goodwill. Reluctantly choosing only my favorite artwork from each stage of my girls' arthood, recycling the anatomy workbooks and lab manuals, tossing the nursing cds from the back of the text books, which I can't sell on half.com anyway. I neatly folded remnants of countless packages of tissue paper from gifts hastily bought on the way to the party, no matter how much I had of it at home, now all placed in a bag with recycled gift bags, ready for the next gift. Paystubs and physicals, immunization records, pictures, games stacked neatly on the shelf, $30 in checks I haven't cashed yet, and a $20 gift card to Target scored from a pile of unpaid bills, diamond in the rough. $5 in an old book bag and an unopened Women's Health magazine. What could be better?A neat, organized home? Although my achievement should feel greater, it doesn't. This was only our office. On to bigger, and better things....like the laundry pile.

Happy fall!

A tribute to Zoey

Yesterday, the best cat in the world entered kitty heaven. I know he is in heaven, because he has been angelic from the start. He was the gift of my dreams following my baptism at 12 years old. The only thing I wanted was a pure white kitten, to which my mom took seriously, this request, and looked all over to find an all white kitten. "Is the kitten ALL white?" my mom would say on the phone. "It maybe has a yellow spot on his belly? Well that won't do". Maybe it didn't go exactly like that, but she did in fact deliver the perfect, perfectly white, long-haired kitten.

At first, we believed that my little kitten was a girl and so I named her Zoey Lynn (the middle name after myself) Powers. This little kitten would hide in our basement in Pomeroy until she either heard the food bag rustle or until I stood at the top of the stairs and screeched in a very high pitched voice, "Zoey Lyyyyynnnnnnnnnn!" And the kitty came running, pouncing up each stair and slipping on some but always up as quickly as possible to me, open arms and waiting at the top of the stairs. This kitten did not meow like normal kitties. Instead she said, mmmmmMMMMMM? She was the best kitten ever. A she? Oops, a he...we soon found out that we were indeed wrong on the sex of this cat, not that it mattered, but we altered his name to fit his gender, now lovingly named Zoey Leon Powers.

This was a kitten that could not harm a fly, literally. He'd catch them, then let them go. When two fish joined our family, Lewis & Roland, I found Zoey sitting sadly by their bowl of spilled water and their tiny lifeless fish bodies on my carpet. Did Zoey eat them? No. He simply wanted to play with them. He was devastated that they were gone and he waited there, next to them, to let me know how sorry he was...and he was immediately forgiven.

Zoey Leon grew bigger and bigger and BIGGER and BIGGER until he was the biggest cat ever, I think. He loved to eat. Eventually, we had to put him on some what of a diet, to which he lost some of his poundage but not all. He was a very majestic cat and he knew it. He'd perch up on top of the couch or chair and rule over the lower lands.

When Steve was so allergic to him that he couldn't breathe any longer, I gave up Zoey and he became a community cat. He lived with Mom and eventually, Lianna and Shawn and their dog Lucy. Lucy and Zoey were buddies and fought and picked on each other, lovingly of course. The Cornally's put him on a real diet and he lost all of his overweightness and turned into quite the skinny little kitty, but always beautiful...long white hair blowing in the breeze. He had a very happy life, loved by all, especially me....well everyone loved him deeply. When he stretched his paws out wide and made himself long, he measured nearly 4 feet I'm sure. Adorable fuzzy belly. Zoey understood some English too. Like, "do you want to be brushed?" To which he'd replied with excited purrs and perts and leg rub-bys. Smart kitty.

This will end this tribute to the best cat in the world....pretty Zoey Leon Powers, the community/family kitty. I'll always be grateful to Lianna and Shawn, Mom and Dad, who adopted him and loved him just as much as me. We miss him already.