Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

I open the curtains up wide around 7:30 am every morning. I turn on the brightest living room spotlight and all the lights in the kitchen. I turn on the radio that now resides on the kitchen counter because of it's daily use. I sing, no matter how I feel...sick, tired, nauseous, hungry...whatever.

Winter is boring. Winter is blahhh. Winter is borderline to absolutely PAINFUL in Iowa. Winter gets me down....EVERY year. I get depressed. I dream of summertime breezes, open windows, warm mornings, flowers blooming, green grass, endless daily possibilities, rainstorms, the smell of things just being ALIVE.

If you've known me for more than five minutes, you know that I'm easily swayed by my surroundings. Are you happy? ME TOO!!! Are you sad? ME TOO. Is it gray out? ME TOO. Is it sunny and gorgeous out? ME TOO! Are you skinny? ME TOO!!! Are you hungry? ME TOO!!! So, naturally, winter blahness gets a "me too" too. Boo hoo. Rhyme time is always a fun time.

Well, I guess I'm just tired of being sick and tired. I'm no longer nauseous beyond all belief. I no longer hang my head over a bucket all day. I don't cry in the bottom of the shower anymore wishing and praying for the baby to stop killing me. I can move around. I can clean my own house. I make dinner. I can do homework with my kids. So, what's there to be bummed about?

I've been on a mission lately to not be swayed by what's going on around me. Thus the first paragraph. Things don't have to be so dark. The best lesson I've learned is from my kids. Yesterday, I sat reading in the chair. It was getting dark out. The girls had just finished a sponge bob episode. We were all a bit bored. Too early for supper. Too late for snack. Not enough time for a movie. Not enough energy for painting. Olivia jumped up and said, "MOM! Let's do exercise! I need exercise." Mom's initial reaction: UGH. Redirection needed. Doesn't she know it's winter?

But she didn't relent. She went to the movie stand and picked out the Jane Fonda VHS from a bazillion years ago that I used to do with my mom and sister in our living room a bazillion years ago, using cans of soup for weights and trying desperately to get the dance moves. Olivia even put it in. How could I refuse? Before I knew it, we were all up dancing ridiculous dance moves like the turkey dance, I was quoting word for word EVERYTHING anybody said on the video, Olivia was mimicking Jane's obscene hip movements, Sophie was punching the air (her signature move when all else fails), and we were having a blast. When Jane suggested adding a hop for more intensity, Olivia was IN. I showed them how to shake their booty during the sashe. It was perfectly ridiculous.

What I'm saying is, I'm on a mission to FORCE myself out of a sad, depressed, lonely winter mindset. It CAN be done. I just know it can. And before long....green grass will preside once again.

Until then....

Knock on wood...cross your fingers...er something

Right on the heels of my lowest of lows (see yesterday's post), came today. Today is a day that I awoke to the same as any other day. Here's how it generally goes:

I am conscious, but I don't move. I freeze in my current position and I breathe in the relief of NO nausea, because for a moment, and a moment only every morning, before my body and mind catch up to each other, I don't feel sick. It normally lasts about 30 seconds and I bask in its glory. But then, as reality often does, it hits me. The wave hits me with such a fierceness, and I wonder....HOW will I get through another day like this?

But, TODAY.....I awoke, froze, basked, and waited. But then, to my surprise, the normal wave was but a ripple in the ocean, the nausea was mild...just ever so mild. And it just sat there. Reluctant, I stood up to get Olivia up for the day. I still didn't believe it. Could it be true? I tiptoed down the stairs, trying to trick nausea into leaving me alone for a moment longer. What was this feeling in my stomach? Hunger? Really?

Confusion has ruled me today as I have awaited the return of my ultimate nemesis...nearly unbelieving....could it really be?

Steve brought me some new medicine last night and you don't take it by mouth...if you know what I mean. And I don't know if it was that that made the difference, or if it was the mental & emotional breakdown and pleading on my knees I did with God yesterday, or if it was the prayers that my family has sent up for me consistently. It could've been all, it could've been some. But whatever it was, today...was a good day. The kind only God can give.

Not the happiest blog on the block

Not sure I've ever had a blogging hiatus of this proportion. It's for a reason...a few reasons actually.

I've been sick. I know you're all gasping in shock. No, I know that sickness floats over my head waiting to rain down upon me at all times, but this time...I'm down and out. Not just physically, but it's taken my joy away too. I'd like to say I could handle all the vomiting and not being able to get off the couch. But, unfortunately...I can't.

I cry a lot and tell Steve how I just can't do it anymore. I try to picture the little gumball baby that I'm lucky to have and wanted so deeply. But I just can't picture that baby, and I just can't conjure up the longing that I once had, and I just don't know why. I'm overwhelmed with guilt. As I should be the one to rejoice in that I've never had to know what it's like to lose a baby. So what's my problem?

However, this sadness could be related to the ever-inspiring month of January. Sense my sarcasm? Who doesn't do flips down the driveway for -30 degree weather and NO chance of going anywhere? Even if I could stop throwing up.

At any rate, blogging has been my release in the past, my joy and pastime. And I thought I'd give it a go again. Why not? Even if my words don't make sense and they're all bound up in hormonal emotions I can't control.

And in the meantime, as my due date gets pushed back further and further to the point that this baby will be born sometime in the next few years....please pray that the puking can pass for now, as I've got no reserve left. God's got to know that right?

I'll cling to that for a few days more.