Dear God-
Born a complainer about something or another, not much that comes out of my mouth surprises you anymore I bet. I'm going to say it's because you placed such a strong sense of justice in my heart and that's the reason that I have so much to ask of you. That's the reason I feel so strongly about things, one way or another. I think if you'd ask anyone who has met me once: "Do you think she cares one way or another?: The answer'd be unequivicobly: "YES." By God, she does have an opinion.
It's not that I'm smothering everyone with my opinions, nor am I shouting them from rooftops. No, I just will answer you if you ask me what I think. I'll consider all sides to a story. I'll come up with an answer. I feel the need to do something and I do it. If I feel the need to use a certain kind of laundry detergent and drink delectable coffee each day no matter what, it better happen. Brat? Maybe. But perhaps I'm just excited about life. In fact, most of the time I'm super overly-excited about life and all the things in it and about it. As aforementioned, I have an appreciation for delectable coffee and fabulous smelling detergent. More importantly, along the lines of things I care very much about, if someone has been wronged, even in a small way, it should be corrected. I'll go to great lengths for them to know that I am trying at least to fix it and that I believe that what happened to them was not right. For whatever reason, God, I think you placed a strong sense of what's right in me, not just in the little things that are the comforts of this world, but in the big things too, that I can't always touch or change, but I know they're there because of you and likewise, because of you, I care... a lot.
Which is why this past weekend, as I rounded the corner to the ICU at my weekend job, feeling strongly a sense of injustice for my situation: working the weekend, being away from my family, feeling horribly depressed, overweight, and cold..why was this winter so COLD? My Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. was kicking into full swing (I'm not even joking). God, you know I prayed the whole way to work that you'd help me get through the day. I prayed for sunshine and for warmth and for Spring. I prayed and prayed the whole way and with each step I took that morning because I felt empty. But then like I said, towards the end of my day, I rounded the corner to the ICU, holding my Starbucks, with my stethoscope around my neck, and they came barreling out the ICU towards me at the same time. Their wails were audible for miles, I thought. My eyes were wide with shock, although my years of training and experience forced me to deaden my eyes and blanken my expression and I did just that, but on the inside, I felt horrified at their display of grief. They were an Asian family. Two grown children on each side of a mother who could barely stand, let alone walk, in her grief. She cried out and her knees buckled as they hurried, and tried to help her get to the waiting room where they could be alone. They carried her as she screamed, her body giving way. Their eyes met mine and I did not look away.
Because in all of my not that many years, I have never had to feel injustice like that. Not of my own. Not in my life. I have shed tears for others. I have come alongside them in their sorrows. But for me, I have never felt injustice like that. I have never been the one in the middle, unable to stand, carried by others in my grief. I don't need to know what they've lost. Does it matter? So it is not right for me to look away quickly, to pretend it isn't so. It is so.
God, I don't claim ignorance. I know that I'll never escape grief's icy grasp. I know that my day will come. But for now, built up with the strong sense of justice you've instilled in my heart, I am thankful for all that I have, all that I will have, all that you do for me, all that you've protected me from so far, and for all the complaints you endure from my lips. I deserve none of this. And I pray that you offer grace to them too. I just want you to know that I get it, or at least I think I'm getting it. I think I know why I'm here. I think I know why you made me this way.
"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from
the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Thursday, January 8, 2015
The age 12: a thank you to my eldest
Today you turn 12. Gulp. I can't help it, my child. It's a little hard to swallow that idea. Last night as I showed off your awesomely bad "12" cake to your dad, he said, "Wow," almost in a whisper. "We have a 12 year-old?" I nodded, biting my lip. "We're old."
So are you, Livy. You are old too. No longer a tiny babe. No longer a toddler or a child either. Somewhere now, you are in between all of that and being a full-blown adult. In between somewhere. And so smart. You are fabulously lovely and fiercely funny. You are a joy to be around and the very best dress designer I've ever met. You are a sweet thinking soul, too silly for your own good sometimes, but I wouldn't change you a bit.
I love sharing clothes and shoes with you. I love competing in Wii Just Dance with you even though the person on the left always wins. I love to watch you dance at your performances. You smile and I melt. You are so beautiful.
Please don't ever stop being you. Please follow your dreams and be all that you dream to be. Please don't let anyone get in your way. Be strong, courageous, ready for a challenge, and go out there and get what you hope for. Ask me to pray for you when you are attempting something new or crazy. Know that I will ALWAYS have your back.
I love that you are 12. I love that you look like me. I love that God knew how much I would need you and how much I would want you.
Most of all, Olivia, thank you for making me a mother, which was and is and will always be, the very most important and defining moment of my life.
So are you, Livy. You are old too. No longer a tiny babe. No longer a toddler or a child either. Somewhere now, you are in between all of that and being a full-blown adult. In between somewhere. And so smart. You are fabulously lovely and fiercely funny. You are a joy to be around and the very best dress designer I've ever met. You are a sweet thinking soul, too silly for your own good sometimes, but I wouldn't change you a bit.
I love sharing clothes and shoes with you. I love competing in Wii Just Dance with you even though the person on the left always wins. I love to watch you dance at your performances. You smile and I melt. You are so beautiful.
Please don't ever stop being you. Please follow your dreams and be all that you dream to be. Please don't let anyone get in your way. Be strong, courageous, ready for a challenge, and go out there and get what you hope for. Ask me to pray for you when you are attempting something new or crazy. Know that I will ALWAYS have your back.
I love that you are 12. I love that you look like me. I love that God knew how much I would need you and how much I would want you.
Most of all, Olivia, thank you for making me a mother, which was and is and will always be, the very most important and defining moment of my life.
Happy Birthday, babe!
Monday, January 5, 2015
Off the grid: big plans for 2015
September was the last time I wrote here. It's now 2015 and I honestly skipped over the reflection of what it all means and was sleeping on the couch around 8:38. But don't let my apathy for the new year fool you. I've got big plans for this year. Not because it's a new year, but because I've got big plans. I can't share all of them here quite yet, but here are a few I can:
1. We will expand our garden to epic proportions. I want to grow as much food as I possibly can to sustain us for the year. I've got a deep freeze with our name on it and I feel like last year was a magical garden year, but it was also a learning year. (The seed packet said one seed in a hill six inches apart NOT six seeds in a hill six inches apart. Thus the Watermelonsplosion of 2014). I learned what to plant, what works well, what doesn't do well, what I didn't have enough of, what there was too much of. And now I've formulated the master plan....mwahahahaha.
2. I'm going on the Nada's cruise in February (the worst month to be in Iowa of the year if you ask me). First off, I know how it sounds. But really, 1. I've never been on a cruise before and B. I've never been on a girls trip before. The excitement is palpable. Unless you're Steve, who is likely unsure how Eli is going to manage more than 8 hours away from his mama, in which case he's right....it may be rough. But this is haaaapenninnnng!!!!!! I love this band!!!
3. I will find a way to get Eli to sleep past 2 am and then again at 4 am. For obvious reasons.
4. I will be writing more. It always goes by the wayside because there truly is a lot to get done in life and kids are a very busy undertaking. But, it is therapeutic for me. It is soul-revealing and confessional. It is the unloading of a massive number of thoughts into one place that begins to form some sense, and to me, it is a discipline that must be exercised no matter my busy level.
5. Watch more BBC/PBS. Call the Midwife, Downton Abbey, Sherlock, The Bletchley Circle. COME ON!!! It doesn't get better than this.
6. Be purposeful in relationships. I shut down my facebook account for a while. I'll probably go back eventually and retrieve all my pictures of the babes. But, my world was starting to feel a little too robot. Like I was participating in things by "liking" them. Or that my "like" was a real congratulations or it meant I participated in that event. Which it is...sort of...and I get that, but I just realized that I need real people. Like the kind that call or stop by. The ones who would come if I were in trouble. I want to be that person for others!!!! I realize that thanks to facebook, I have access to 500 people that I wouldn't probably keep in touch with otherwise. And that is amazing, truly. But for now, my heart was seeking some legitimate contact. The life off the grid. Steve just shaved his awesome beard, but up until then, we looked pretty legit. Yep, call me or text me because I'm off. the. grid. For a little bit. Except my phone and Pinterest and this blog and Des Moines Moms Blog. If you'd like to fax me press the star key.
7. I will be a good human being. I will help where there is the need. I will love people for who they are and where they are. I will give intentionally. I will not waste. I will simplify. I will use what I have and save and grow and produce. I will work with my hands. I will create. I will make things count. I will be a worthy example for my children.
It'll be a really legit year.
Happy 2015 everyone! Do you have big plans too?
1. We will expand our garden to epic proportions. I want to grow as much food as I possibly can to sustain us for the year. I've got a deep freeze with our name on it and I feel like last year was a magical garden year, but it was also a learning year. (The seed packet said one seed in a hill six inches apart NOT six seeds in a hill six inches apart. Thus the Watermelonsplosion of 2014). I learned what to plant, what works well, what doesn't do well, what I didn't have enough of, what there was too much of. And now I've formulated the master plan....mwahahahaha.
2. I'm going on the Nada's cruise in February (the worst month to be in Iowa of the year if you ask me). First off, I know how it sounds. But really, 1. I've never been on a cruise before and B. I've never been on a girls trip before. The excitement is palpable. Unless you're Steve, who is likely unsure how Eli is going to manage more than 8 hours away from his mama, in which case he's right....it may be rough. But this is haaaapenninnnng!!!!!! I love this band!!!
3. I will find a way to get Eli to sleep past 2 am and then again at 4 am. For obvious reasons.
4. I will be writing more. It always goes by the wayside because there truly is a lot to get done in life and kids are a very busy undertaking. But, it is therapeutic for me. It is soul-revealing and confessional. It is the unloading of a massive number of thoughts into one place that begins to form some sense, and to me, it is a discipline that must be exercised no matter my busy level.
5. Watch more BBC/PBS. Call the Midwife, Downton Abbey, Sherlock, The Bletchley Circle. COME ON!!! It doesn't get better than this.
6. Be purposeful in relationships. I shut down my facebook account for a while. I'll probably go back eventually and retrieve all my pictures of the babes. But, my world was starting to feel a little too robot. Like I was participating in things by "liking" them. Or that my "like" was a real congratulations or it meant I participated in that event. Which it is...sort of...and I get that, but I just realized that I need real people. Like the kind that call or stop by. The ones who would come if I were in trouble. I want to be that person for others!!!! I realize that thanks to facebook, I have access to 500 people that I wouldn't probably keep in touch with otherwise. And that is amazing, truly. But for now, my heart was seeking some legitimate contact. The life off the grid. Steve just shaved his awesome beard, but up until then, we looked pretty legit. Yep, call me or text me because I'm off. the. grid. For a little bit. Except my phone and Pinterest and this blog and Des Moines Moms Blog. If you'd like to fax me press the star key.
7. I will be a good human being. I will help where there is the need. I will love people for who they are and where they are. I will give intentionally. I will not waste. I will simplify. I will use what I have and save and grow and produce. I will work with my hands. I will create. I will make things count. I will be a worthy example for my children.
It'll be a really legit year.
Happy 2015 everyone! Do you have big plans too?
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