For when my kids realize I'm a spaz

Recently, I wrote this post about finding out that I was becoming a mother for the first time. It didn't start out pretty, because I was young and it was unexpected. But it turns out, that isn't the true focus of the story.  Sure I was scared. Sure I didn't know what I was doing or how things would turn out, but I did know one thing. I loved her. From the moment I laid eyes on her, on the fuzzy little ultrasound screen, I loved her.                                                                                                                                                                         Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. There are some that would disagree with me here. She thinks? They wonder.... I'm sure my Dad is remembering when I drove away from Casey's with the gas pump still in the Plymouth....

I'm still a total dip.

A year or two ago, a guy in Ankeny chased me down (I thought, to murder me...), to give me back my wallet that I had left on top of my car at the gas station while pumping gas.

So, I agree that I'm not brightest crayon in the box most days, but I do think about other things throughout the day. These thoughts cause me to do things like leave wallets on roofs, and drive away with gas pumps, leave houses without diapers or wipes....awesome.

ANYway, lately I've become aware during my thoughtful moments, of how much my children have changed me, affected me, molded me. I think, because I was a young mom, that we did a bit of growing up together, definitely a lot of learning together, and because of that there is much of them that can't be untangled from me. They helped make me. It wasn't their job or anything and they didn't know they were doing it and I didn't know it at the time either. But the more I think about it, it's true. I wasn't done growing up yet when I had them, so we traveled that road together a bit haphazardly. Sometimes they were lucky to have a young mom. OMG! I love pools and slushies too!! Did Mom just run after the ice cream truck? Heehaw! Then, sometimes it's not so cool, now that I look back. I was probably too impatient. I always thought I was failing and I thought normal things that every kid did were "naughty" or "annoying". Now, by kid #3, I'm so laid back, it's to a fault. But to Olivia, I owe an apology. She was probably confused most of the time.

"My mom is cool and fun! But she's impatient and frustrated. I don't get what we're doing here."

Agreed. I didn't know what I was doing there.

But I loved you.

Yesterday, you were playing a basketball scrimmage. You had chosen your own clothes and done your own hair. You could fix your own headband. Your legs are long. You are the tallest girl out there! You were wearing my shoes.... I couldn't stop staring at you! You are supposed to be small. I remember struggling to keep you in my lap to put in your "fountains" (pigtails) and you loved Dora and running through the sprinkler. I remember picking out your clothes everyday and reading you books at night and the way you'd scream "nnnnnnNNNNNNOOOO!!!" at me and run away like you were winding up the word before you'd actually scream it. You've always impressed me.

Babes, if there's ever a time when you look back and wonder, what was Mom thinking? What a spaz! Just remember please, I loved you. That's all I have to fall back on. That's probably all I'll ever have to fall back on. You are constantly changing me and making me better. You calm the frustrated parts of me and give them perspective as I am mesmerized at how fast you grow. You shine light into the dark places in my heart and make sure I don't dwell there. You have ensured that I am the richest person to ever walk the face of this earth.

I try very hard to give it back to you, to show you if but just a fraction of the amount of love and gratitude I feel for you. Through hugs and kisses, folding and cleaning, arriving on time (occasionally), filling my spot on the bleachers, food and treats on your plates, love notes in your lunchboxes, chasing and laughing through the house, planting flowers and watching them grow, and tucking you in tight at night. But if the time comes that you just can't figure what I might be thinking, if at all....

Just remember, my children, how I love thee.

Target

Plaid = dressing up

This might have been Halloween...or a regular day

 P.S. All these pictures are extremely old. Like you now. Look how cute you were!

Love,

Mom

What you remember

When the girls were little, I would write down every detail of our days. Where we went, what we ate, who we met up with, the weather. My blog posts were full of summer days and kiddie pools, sprinklers, popsicles, malls and playdates, books and naps, baking and bike rides. Pictures of pigtails and sunglasses and swimming babes. Details, details, details.

I realize as they've gotten older and Eli has been lovingly thrown into the wild mix that there aren't as many of those detailed posts and I will tell you quite honestly, it's because I can't remember a damn thing anymore.

:)

But today was special and I am writing it down now lest I forget. Likely.

This weekend, the boys are back at Steve's parents working on snowmobiles and it has left us girls here for a girls weekend. We've done what we always do when Eli is gone. We eat dairy. Lots of it. We went out for pizza with some old Polk City friends and I got to chat with an old friend I haven't seen in a while on Friday night. Saturday was the 10th annual Christmas Movie Marathon at Powers'. Best party ever. And my blouse was as stunning as ever and the shoulder pads still very paddy. My version of ugly sweater.

But today we had a home day, all day. We didn't leave the house at all. I can't remember a day like this in so long. We always have somewhere to go, somewhere to be. And today, Olivia was supposed to have Girl Scouts this afternoon but it was canceled too, and frankly, we were glad. There was a light snow that began in the morning today and lasted all day. It continues now. The snow kept us here today and we were thankful.

We played, baked cookies, organized our desks, had a visit from friends in the morning, played in the snow, stirred our cocoa with candy canes. We snuggled under homemade quilts and watched Looney Toons and giggled until we fell asleep on the couch. I taught Olivia how to wrap presents. We spoiled Rosie and let her stay in the house today. We played Nintendo until we were cross-eyed. The girls helped me chop tomatoes and avocados for tacos tonight and we ate together and talked about what it would be like when they went to college and what it was like when I was in college (oh geez) and what they might be like when they grew up. (It's not that far off Olivia reminded me). I knowwww.

"Was Daddy adorable and handsome back then?" Sophie asked. "The boys in my class are just weird."

I think he is now, don't you?

"I'm not going to have babies until I'm 40." Olivia said.

"How much does it cost to go to Iowa State?" Sophie asked. "When I save up enough for me, I'm going to save up more for other people to go."

Now they tromped upstairs to jammie up and they hollered down asking for me to read more of The Hobbit and I most definitely will.

I hope they remember this day. They might. I will. Because even though I can't remember my own birthday most of the time, I don't think I could ever forget this day.

I remember some things from being their age. I remember being awaken in the morning to "Better go look out the window....quick!" My mom would say. I would FLY out of bed to see it. SNOW!!!! I remember my mom tying bread sacks around my feet before I shoved them in my boots so my feet would stay dry in the snow. I remember the blanket that my mom bought me for my bed that I'd snuggle up with while I'd draw pictures in the frost on my window at night. I remember how my Dad loved to decorate for Christmas. It was the coziest, most festive place on Earth. I remember the warm rush of air when I'd walk in the door from the cold and the sleigh bells would clang on the back side of the door to announce my arrival. I remember the smell of chili and the color of our couch. Zoey Leon, our giant white cat, stretched out on the back of the loveseat.

It is so good to remember home. Even though I can't remember my own name most days, I do remember that.

I hope the girls remember home, this day, how much I love them.