For realz

There was a z in that title. Ouch.

I have a theory. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not alone. Yes, I do realize I have three, count them, THREE children and thus, I am never really ALONE per se....but this is not what I mean.

I do love our family and I am proud of who we are. I love our life and I'm proud of us for surviving AND managing to LIVE each day (double whammy), and I'm thankful for all that God has done for us. I really am.

But I've noticed that I seem to spend a lot of my time thinking about the things I want or the things I don't have. Like a spoiled rotten child, I spend a lot of time comparing myself and our family to all the other families around us. How do we measure up exactly? Is their house bigger or smaller than ours? Do they seem to have it all together? What are they driving? How many activities are they in? Did they remember sunscreen for their kids? Did they feed their kids chocolate covered almonds and shared a previously half drank bottle of water for supper tonight like I did? No??? Organic stewed tomatoes with fresh mozz? Shoot.

Do you know what I mean here?


Maybe not.

When things don't go my way, I can really have a "why me?" mentality. I assume that no one else has these stupid roadblocks in their way, and if I just tried harder, or did better, or had a better job, or a better location or this or that or this or that we'd somehow be worry free, like that hot mama in the Mercedes next to me at the stoplight right then. She seems to be doing well. Man, I hate her.

Oooh...jealousy. Hey...jealousy....(I was singing that part if you didn't pick it up). Sorry I sang in writing.

All of that was very honest and a for realz account of what I'm fighting against. It is not easy to admit that you suck and your mentality is, on the whole, very wrong in a whole area of your life. But it is in mine. I'm working on it. I really am.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the only one who Mercy sent to collections even though I am making payments on their payment plan and I'm not late on any of those payments. That's not fair! I have a sneaking suspicion that not everyone can pay all their bills in full without a care in the world. They have to calculate some things as well. I have a sneaking suspicion that there was some other mom on this good green Earth that didn't get the hot, home cooked meal prepared in the 13 minutes she had between picking up her little cherubs from daycare, getting them dressed in all their soccer gear, nursing the baby, and making sure they have icy cold waterbottles in hand and an adorable set of pigtails in for soccer practice, then having them there 15 minutes early to warm up. You do the math there....

I have a sneaking suspicion that the secret to a worry free, perfect life does not, in fact, lay in a better weekly planner, or in purchasing more clear rubbermaid containers that will be perfect for organizing the kids' room, or in a bigger van or in a newer model, or a bigger house, or a stricter schedule.

I have a suspicion that it might not exist! That someone made the whole damn thing up!

If it did exist, would I really want it?

Now I've gotten too deep and I've confused myself.

Pastor Mike talks about this mentality, about this unending drive to do more, be more, get more. It is so very easy to get sucked in to. Like me....now.

Luckily, I have seen it a' coming ahead of time, and I'm prepared to fight it.

As I get older....I'm nearing the ripe old age of 29 this year, which is vvvveeerrry close to the next number....I am seeing that things aren't hardly ever, just how they appear. That there's always a side that I'm not seeing outwardly, but I have a sneaking suspicion it's there nonetheless. And in my "trials" from day to day (which are all minor in the end), I'm really not alone. Not at all.

And my battle rages on. I'm going to win this one.

I'm going to celebrate my mediocrity and multiple failures today. Whoop whoop! Here's to being NORMAL! And for realz...I'm not perfect at all.