Clark girls + boy: For when my kids realize I'm a spaz

Recently, I wrote this post about finding out that I was becoming a mother for the first time. It didn't start out pretty, because I was young and it was unexpected. But it turns out, that isn't the true focus of the story. Sure I was scared. Sure I didn't know what I was doing or how things would turn out, but I did know one thing. I loved her. From the moment I laid eyes on her, on the fuzzy little ultrasound screen, I loved her. Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. There are some that would disagree with me here. She thinks? They wonder.... I'm sure my Dad is remembering when I drove away from Casey's with the gas pump still in the Plymouth....

I'm still a total dip.

A year or two ago, a guy in Ankeny chased me down (I thought, to murder me...), to give me back my wallet that I had left on top of my car at the gas station while pumping gas.

So, I agree that I'm not brightest crayon in the box most days, but I do think about other things throughout the day. These thoughts cause me to do things like leave wallets on roofs, and drive away with gas pumps, leave houses without diapers or wipes....awesome.

ANYway, lately I've become aware during my thoughtful moments, of how much my children have changed me, affected me, molded me. I think, because I was a young mom, that we did a bit of growing up together, definitely a lot of learning together, and because of that there is much of them that can't be untangled from me. They helped make me. It wasn't their job or anything and they didn't know they were doing it and I didn't know it at the time either. But the more I think about it, it's true. I wasn't done growing up yet when I had them, so we traveled that road together a bit haphazardly. Sometimes they were lucky to have a young mom. OMG! I love pools and slushies too!! Did Mom just run after the ice cream truck? Heehaw! Then, sometimes it's not so cool, now that I look back. I was probably too impatient. I always thought I was failing and I thought normal things that every kid did were "naughty" or "annoying". Now, by kid #3, I'm so laid back, it's to a fault. But to Olivia, I owe an apology. She was probably confused most of the time.

"My mom is cool and fun! But she's impatient and frustrated. I don't get what we're doing here."

Agreed. I didn't know what I was doing there.

But I loved you.

Yesterday, you were playing a basketball scrimmage. You had chosen your own clothes and done your own hair. You could fix your own headband. Your legs are long. You are the tallest girl out there! You were wearing my shoes.... I couldn't stop staring at you! You are supposed to be small. I remember struggling to keep you in my lap to put in your "fountains" (pigtails) and you loved Dora and running through the sprinkler. I remember picking out your clothes everyday and reading you books at night and the way you'd scream "nnnnnnNNNNNNOOOO!!!" at me and run away like you were winding up the word before you'd actually scream it. You've always impressed me.

Babes, if there's ever a time when you look back and wonder, what was Mom thinking? What a spaz! Just remember please, I loved you. That's all I have to fall back on. That's probably all I'll ever have to fall back on. You are constantly changing me and making me better. You calm the frustrated parts of me and give them perspective as I am mesmerized at how fast you grow. You shine light into the dark places in my heart and make sure I don't dwell there. You have ensured that I am the richest person to ever walk the face of this earth.

I try very hard to give it back to you, to show you if but just a fraction of the amount of love and gratitude I feel for you. Through hugs and kisses, folding and cleaning, arriving on time (occasionally), filling my spot on the bleachers, food and treats on your plates, love notes in your lunchboxes, chasing and laughing through the house, planting flowers and watching them grow, and tucking you in tight at night. But if the time comes that you just can't figure what I might be thinking, if at all....

Just remember, my children, how I love thee.