How we've changed: a Clark update

While you were away, my kids grew up. I know. It's a surprise to me too. So before they graduate, here's the skinny on us...2015:

O:

She is in the 7th grade this year. 12 years old.
Started volleyball. Agrees with my sentiments that she is so sore that she cannot sit down on the toilet or get back up without an assistance bar.
Has now moved on to basketball season. Her mom believes she will dunk this year.
She moved her room to the basement and loves having her own space.
Reads a ton.
Knows ahhhhlmost more music than her mom, but not quite/not ever.
Wears all my clothes. This frustrates her mom.
Wears a size 10 shoe in women's and therefore wears all my shoes as well. Sigh...
Wants to wear makeup. Steals my makeup.
Has the sweetest heart in the world.
Babysits her brother now for money.
Probably has more money than I do from babysitting.
Loves kids and will be the best camp counselor ever. 
Has stolen my heart now more than ever and I adore her......

S:

5th grade this year. Newly 11 years old.
Fierce as ever, but will wear jeans now without full out war IF it is picture day or some other event that requires "dressing up".
Soccer is still her main gig. She lives and breathes it and I LOVE watching her play.
She can be found in the goalie box.
Her dad calls her, "The Viking Princess" due to her height + extreme blondeness.
She has grown at least 3 inches this year and is now 5-2.5. God save us.
She wears size 9.5 shoe in women's which means she and I also share Nikes. God save me.
She does NOT want to EVER wear makeup.
Works on soccer skills in the yard to youtube video instruction.
Is off the charts academically...smarty pants.
Just started the trumpet...even though I pictured her rocking the drum set or bass. But whatever.
Totally has taken on the role of mother hen to her little brother since he has started school. Helps him pick out his clothes, clean out his bag, wakes him up in the morning, makes his lunches....what am I doing here? I actually had to tell her it wasn't necessary to get up quite so early. But it really melts my heart seeing her love him the way she does.
Babysits at her own free will for a fraction of the price of her sister along with her sister but feels she does most of the work...
Has a great group of friends at school.
I love her.

E:

Transitional Kindergarten this year. 5.5 years old and the .5 is really important to him. His mom would still like to swaddle him up in a blanket with a paci but this is neither possible nor worldly acceptable....
The same ball of fire as when he was born.
So much energy packed into one blonde headed kid, no one is quite sure what to do with it. We are unwelcome in most restaurants.
Loving his Transitional Kindergarten class.
Rides the school bus like a boss. (It has been his life long dream).
Loves his sisters and is very mad at them at the same time.
Wants to roll with the big dogs, but still needs a nap sometimes.
Recently told a hair stylist that he would like his hair "spiky, please, like a Mohawk. Dinosaur hair. I use gel."
Rides his bike a lot wearing a helmet with a spiky Mohawk on the top of the helmet.
Gets his shirt changed by his mom 49 times per day.
Gets his face wiped by his mom 49 times per day.
Has 4 songs that he wants sung to him at night by his mom before bed.
His favorite song is "Shut up and dance with me."
His second favorite song is "Drink it til it's gone" by the Nadas. I don't choose these things....but I don't disagree....
Loves life, loves everyone.
I love him.

Steve:

Working at his same job like a boss. But he isn't the boss. That's ok.
Lifts weights on a weight machine I bought him for Father's Day in our shed. (Stud.)
Fixes ANYTHING.
Kills ALL spiders.
Best Dad ever.
Rides motorcycle to work on non-rainy/cold days.
Plays candy crush in free time.
Made all my garden dreams come true this year. 
Dreams of snow for his snowmobiles. (Nooooooooo...)
Loves me. I love him too.

Me:
My house is empty during the day so I'm learning who I am when it's quiet.
I like coffee, like always. I thought I'd try it black like a real adult, but I was only fooling myself. I still squirt Rediwhip in my mouth. 
The book Jesus Calling speaks to me every morning I remember to read it. I can't believe I am saved by grace because I am totally not worthy of it. But it starts my day right, so I read the kid version to my kids each day while they wait for the bus. Then they whip and nae nae until it arrives.
I love to hang clothes on the line.
I love the wind and the smell of grass.
I love the garden and eating its food.
I love my flowers and plants, my hammock, and Mt. Dew.
I've been running a lot because now I have time. And Rosie Posie goes with me.
I bought a real rug for my living room and I made my kids take a pledge to never eat or drink near it or their mom would cry, like really cry. They took the pledge and so far, have taken it quite serious.
I absolutely love my job in the NICU. Even though I am wrecked sometimes by the hours, not sleeping, and I look like I have been run over by a train, got up, and then I was hit by a second train....I really do love it. So I'm thankful for that. My coworkers are amazing, super smart, and funny. What more could you ask for? Cute babies to care for? Check.
I recently started guitar lessons from a local, extremely talented musician, who I affectionately call, Famous Jenny. I can't wait to sing and play for you in like, 60 years when I'm good at it. 

Life isn't perfect, not for me, most likely not for anyone. Most days, I spend thinking how incredibly far I am from perfect. But those things I wrote above are what I choose to see, what I hold on to. I'm thankful for them today and always.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever." Psalm 136:1

NEW series!

Well, I'm a plant nerd. #gardengeek

So this is my first post that you'll find throughout the summer/fall/HARVEST!!! that will be tagged with #stufffrommygarden along with a photo or two of the bounty. Because I take pictures of plants and vegetables and I need to put them somewhere. If for no one else but me and my mom (thanks Mom).....here we go:

 

Happy summer!

Why he wasn't born on a gravel road

On this date five years ago, I had been in labor since 31 weeks. I was on a medication to stop it that made me feel horrible. I was hot. I was annoyed. I had been barfing forever. This wasn't my first go-round and I knew what to expect as I waddled into my 36 week appointment. Pee in the cup, be violated by a familiar stranger. Same old, same old. As I lay back in the stirrups though, contracting just like I had been for the last 5 weeks, she said the words that made me snap to attention:

"Um, you're six centimeters."

Six? Really. Seems not far from 10.

I sat up. "So, can I just swing on home and pick up a few things and grab my kids from daycare and set up the crib and stuff quick?"

Her: "Yeah, NO. I don't want to be the OB on the news that has the patient who delivers her baby on a gravel road somewhere outside of town."

I stared at her blankly.

Her: "That patient would be you....who delivers on a...gravel...ok...anyway...NO."

Silence.

Me: "It'd only take a few minutes. I could also use a beverage."

Silence.

Right.

Me: "I'll see you at the hospital."

I was admitted around 6 pm and Eli was born around 9:30 pm and he needed a little oxygen to help him breathe, but then he was right as rain. He had dark hair to start and a serious little face, which was the only time in his life that he was serious. And we loved him from the very start. Fiercely loved him. And I would like to thank all of you who love him too.

 

 

 

 

Happy 5th Birthday Eli! The world is so much brighter with you in it.

 

 

The best gift ever

A.

So, a couple of things. First off, we attended an awesome birthday party for my nephew AJ yesterday. I worked overnight the night before so I left a note for Steve and the kids to wrap the present for him that I had left on the counter while I slept before the party. It was Thomas backpack filled with a lantern and some sweet activities to do while in a tent, because his dad had made him a tent for his birthday. Anyway, Eli told me he also wrapped a card for AJ too. Awesome. So we went to the party.

AJ opened his gifts and then I heard my brother say, "Why are there waffles in it?" And at first I ignored it, because why would that be something someone would be saying? I'm tired after all and I'm hearing things. But he kept saying it. And then it hit me. I just knew that my kid had put waffles in the backpack. I just knew.

B.

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend. We are honoring that of course. But this morning at the breakfast table, I said to the kids, "Today is National Clean Your Room Day". They all looked up to see if I was serious and I kept my face as straight as could be. Olivia nodded thoughtfully and said, "Memorial Day is tomorrow. Clean your room day is today. That makes sense." And they all went back to eating. And they TOTALLY bought it. And then they cleaned their rooms. Can anyone else even handle this?? #momwin

C.

The people at Eli's daycare know this to be normal, but this is how Eli is dressed today. Standard.

D.

Finally, these are fresh cut from my very own yard.

I love nature and I love this time of year. I'm thankful for the people who fight for our country and for those who paid the price for our freedom. Have a safe holiday everyone!

Oh, and if you have ever received an awesome gift like wrapped waffles, please share.

A note in the bathroom

And all this time, I thought the Ninja Turtles one was mine.

I love the first born. What would I do without her notes? However, I have a feeling this one was meant for DAD.

Some moms go on all the field trips

Eli had a field trip last week. In anticipation of this field trip, he brought it up no less than 400 times to me. Normally, he doesn't care if I am there or not, but this time he expected me to be present. And normally, I would be there in a heartbeat because I love field trips. I've gone on plenty during my mom tenure. This one was to the zoo. Bring it on. But this time, it was to fall on the morning after of the third night in a row that I had worked overnight.

Ouchie.

So I explained it to him rationally, (like you do to toddlers....)

"Mommy has to work, Eli. I'm going to be very tired. I'm sorry. I don't think I can come to your field trip this time."

Eli: "Some moms don't work."

Me: "Yyyyyeah. I know."

Eli: "You'll be at the zoo with me, right Mom?"

Me: "Ummmm, well, I have work, buddy. I'm sorry."

Eli: "Some moms go on all the field trips."

Whammie.


Me: "See you then."


Ok. So, I can't say no. Whatever that makes me. Whatever. I'm too tired to process that. Doesn't matter. He wasn't being mean or manipulative. He was just observing. Some moms do go on all the field trips. Great. So, I will go on this one. Because for some reason, this time, he wants me to go. So, I was hoping that since I was going to tape my eyeballs open to go on this one, he would really want me there. Since I'd be sleep deprived beyond recognition and since I had to be fingerprinted to go as a chaperone and all of that, that maybe he wouldn't run off and forget that I came?

TOTAL WIN.

He jumped off the bus into my arms.

He held my hand. 

We saw all the animals.

See the wallaby? He was actually quite nervous for this photo...

We ran around and did kid things. We bought a snack, laughed at some very funny orangutans, and ran through some dino bones.

See how he's too tall for the kangaroo pouch??

We loved every second despite the rain until about 11:00 when it was time for lunch and I could stay awake no longer. I bowed out gracefully, I think, and Eli went on to have a lovely lunch with his friends and I went home to sleep. I'd like to mention that I love Eli's daycare/preschool so much. They always go above and beyond to give the kids the best experiences and the teachers clearly love the kids. I can't say enough about them. They are near and dear to me. Shout out to you- Beautiful Beginnings. How we will miss you when we embark upon the Big K this year.

I can't go on all the field trips, but I am super glad that I could do this one. I love love love him. I am so glad I am his mom.

The Way I Am

Dear God-

Born a complainer about something or another, not much that comes out of my mouth surprises you anymore I bet. I'm going to say it's because you placed such a strong sense of justice in my heart and that's the reason that I have so much to ask of you. That's the reason I feel so strongly about things, one way or another. I think if you'd ask anyone who has met me once: "Do you think she cares one way or another?: The answer'd be unequivicobly: "YES." By God, she does have an opinion.

It's not that I'm smothering everyone with my opinions, nor am I shouting them from rooftops. No, I just will answer you if you ask me what I think. I'll consider all sides to a story. I'll come up with an answer. I feel the need to do something and I do it. If I feel the need to use a certain kind of laundry detergent and drink delectable coffee each day no matter what, it better happen. Brat? Maybe. But perhaps I'm just excited about life. In fact, most of the time I'm super overly-excited about life and all the things in it and about it. As aforementioned, I have an appreciation for delectable coffee and fabulous smelling detergent. More importantly, along the lines of things I care very much about, if someone has been wronged, even in a small way, it should be corrected. I'll go to great lengths for them to know that I am trying at least to fix it and that I believe that what happened to them was not right. For whatever reason, God, I think you placed a strong sense of what's right in me, not just in the little things that are the comforts of this world, but in the big things too, that I can't always touch or change, but I know they're there because of you and likewise, because of you, I care... a lot.

Which is why this past weekend, as I rounded the corner to the ICU at my weekend job, feeling strongly a sense of injustice for my situation: working the weekend, being away from my family, feeling horribly depressed, overweight, and cold..why was this winter so COLD? My Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. was kicking into full swing (I'm not even joking). God, you know I prayed the whole way to work that you'd help me get through the day. I prayed for sunshine and for warmth and for Spring. I prayed and prayed the whole way and with each step I took that morning because I felt empty. But then like I said, towards the end of my day, I rounded the corner to the ICU, holding my Starbucks, with my stethoscope around my neck, and they came barreling out the ICU towards me at the same time. Their wails were audible for miles, I thought. My eyes were wide with shock, although my years of training and experience forced me to deaden my eyes and blanken my expression and I did just that, but on the inside, I felt horrified at their display of grief. They were an Asian family. Two grown children on each side of a mother who could barely stand, let alone walk, in her grief. She cried out and her knees buckled as they hurried, and tried to help her get to the waiting room where they could be alone. They carried her as she screamed, her body giving way. Their eyes met mine and I did not look away.

Because in all of my not that many years, I have never had to feel injustice like that. Not of my own. Not in my life. I have shed tears for others. I have come alongside them in their sorrows. But for me, I have never felt injustice like that. I have never been the one in the middle, unable to stand, carried by others in my grief. I don't need to know what they've lost. Does it matter? So it is not right for me to look away quickly, to pretend it isn't so. It is so.

God, I don't claim ignorance. I know that I'll never escape grief's icy grasp. I know that my day will come. But for now, built up with the strong sense of justice you've instilled in my heart, I am thankful for all that I have, all that I will have, all that you do for me, all that you've protected me from so far, and for all the complaints you endure from my lips. I deserve none of this. And I pray that you offer grace to them too. I just want you to know that I get it, or at least I think I'm getting it. I think I know why I'm here. I think I know why you made me this way.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48

The age 12: a thank you to my eldest

Today you turn 12. Gulp. I can't help it, my child. It's a little hard to swallow that idea. Last night as I showed off your awesomely bad "12" cake to your dad, he said, "Wow," almost in a whisper. "We have a 12 year-old?" I nodded, biting my lip. "We're old."

So are you, Livy. You are old too. No longer a tiny babe. No longer a toddler or a child either. Somewhere now, you are in between all of that and being a full-blown adult. In between somewhere. And so smart. You are fabulously lovely and fiercely funny. You are a joy to be around and the very best dress designer I've ever met. You are a sweet thinking soul, too silly for your own good sometimes, but I wouldn't change you a bit.

I love sharing clothes and shoes with you. I love competing in Wii Just Dance with you even though the person on the left always wins. I love to watch you dance at your performances. You smile and I melt. You are so beautiful.

Please don't ever stop being you. Please follow your dreams and be all that you dream to be. Please don't let anyone get in your way. Be strong, courageous, ready for a challenge, and go out there and get what you hope for. Ask me to pray for you when you are attempting something new or crazy. Know that I will ALWAYS have your back.

I love that you are 12. I love that you look like me. I love that God knew how much I would need you and how much I would want you.

Most of all, Olivia, thank you for making me a mother, which was and is and will always be, the very most important and defining moment of my life.

Happy Birthday, babe!

Off the grid: big plans for 2015

September was the last time I wrote here. It's now 2015 and I honestly skipped over the reflection of what it all means and was sleeping on the couch around 8:38. But don't let my apathy for the new year fool you. I've got big plans for this year. Not because it's a new year, but because I've got big plans. I can't share all of them here quite yet, but here are a few I can:

1. We will expand our garden to epic proportions. I want to grow as much food as I possibly can to sustain us for the year. I've got a deep freeze with our name on it and I feel like last year was a magical garden year, but it was also a learning year. (The seed packet said one seed in a hill six inches apart NOT six seeds in a hill six inches apart. Thus the Watermelonsplosion of 2014). I learned what to plant, what works well, what doesn't do well, what I didn't have enough of, what there was too much of. And now I've formulated the master plan....mwahahahaha.

2. I'm going on the Nada's cruise in February (the worst month to be in Iowa of the year if you ask me). First off, I know how it sounds. But really, 1. I've never been on a cruise before and B. I've never been on a girls trip before. The excitement is palpable. Unless you're Steve, who is likely unsure how Eli is going to manage more than 8 hours away from his mama, in which case he's right....it may be rough. But this is haaaapenninnnng!!!!!! I love this band!!!

3. I will find a way to get Eli to sleep past 2 am and then again at 4 am. For obvious reasons.

4. I will be writing  more. It always goes by the wayside because there truly is a lot to get done in life and kids are a very busy undertaking. But, it is therapeutic for me. It is soul-revealing and confessional. It is the unloading of a massive number of thoughts into one place that begins to form some sense, and to me, it is a discipline that must be exercised no matter my busy level. 

5. Watch more BBC/PBS. Call the Midwife, Downton Abbey, Sherlock, The Bletchley Circle. COME ON!!! It doesn't get better than this.

6. Be purposeful in relationships. I shut down my facebook account for a while. I'll probably go back eventually and retrieve all my pictures of the babes. But, my world was starting to feel a little too robot. Like I was participating in things by "liking" them. Or that my "like" was a real congratulations or it meant I participated in that event. Which it is...sort of...and I get that, but I just realized that I need real people. Like the kind that call or stop by. The ones who would come if I were in trouble. I want to be that person for others!!!! I realize that thanks to facebook, I have access to 500 people that I wouldn't probably keep in touch with otherwise. And that is amazing, truly. But for now, my heart was seeking some legitimate contact. The life off the grid. Steve just shaved his awesome beard, but up until then, we looked pretty legit. Yep, call me or text me because I'm off. the. grid. For a little bit. Except my phone and Pinterest and this blog and Des Moines Moms Blog. If you'd like to fax me press the star key.

7. I will be a good human being. I will help where there is the need. I will love people for who they are and where they are. I will give intentionally. I will not waste. I will simplify. I will use what I have and save and grow and produce. I will work with my hands. I will create. I will make things count. I will be a worthy example for my children.

It'll be a really legit year.

Happy 2015 everyone! Do you have big plans too?