Days like these

Some days are just perfect. Some days Eli and I just get it right. We walk, enjoy the sun, listen to the leaves, play and laugh, try new things, rest and work together. (Eli loves to help me with laundry). Some days I'm a good mom, and I know just what he needs. Some days just work out. And these are the days that I thank God for, because no one knows more than I do, the truth...that days are not always this easy, this perfect. And that's why I want to remember this one. 

Going ons: PART ONE

I always love phrases and words that are completely made up and awful. There ya go. 

I have forgotten to post our going ons! We have been so busy lately, and it has all been AWESOME! Because Fall and the first part of Winter are the BEST times of the whole year. 

First off, we went to Howell's Farm, one of the very best tree/pumpkin farms I've been to EVER. We went over Sophie's birthday weekend while Steve's family was here. There were all the standard pumpkin farm attractions, but they went above and beyond those and made:

• a HUGE fenced in play space for kids, all made of natural stuff: tire swings, huge slides, hay bales, tractor race track, corn bed for digging (have you ever had corn down your pants? Try to get it out in public. Awkward.) 

• They also had chickens and goats...and if you know me...you know how I feel about goats. THE funniest animal alive. Hooves down. We did have a small incident when Eli toppled over into the fence full of tiny goats begging for food and one fiesty little goat gored Eli's eyebrow and stole his hat to eat for a snack. We got the hat back and saved the baby and only left with life long emotional wounds on Eli's soul. All is well.

• Sophie also had a grand old time chasing chickens while barking like a dog. It went from funny at first to eventually a tad embarrassing, so I put a kabosh on that and we moved on. 

• We shot ears of dried corn out of gun to try and hit two garbage cans hanging between two silos. This might be my favorite part, because I can't think of anything that sounds more hillbilly than this. And it was SO FUN. 

• We climbed on real tractors. We had to tear Eli away when it was time to move on. He has a non-butt as we call it...you know...no butt..the pants won't stay up...needs suspenders, etc. This plus the tractor love cements the fact that Eli was destined to be a farmer. And if not, that's fine too. But right now, it's cute to think of him farming. 

• We went on a wagon ride out through the fields of wild flowers that they use to make their own wreathes and arrangements. I have never seen a field like this and it was amazing. See their website for a photo! 

L to R: Aunt Carmen, Liv, Soph, Aunt Shana, Aylee

• We rode homemade go carts around a track in a corn field. Also very Iowa, but do not judge until you try. I was squealing and pedaling like a crazy cat out there. Because I all but lose my mind when being chased. The kids loved this part needless to say. Is there a time in life when kids DON'T want to drive something? 

• We found our way out of a corn maze. At each stop along the way we chalked one of our fingers a different color. At the end of the maze, there was a board with all the color combos we could have chosen on each finger. You found the one that matched your hand and it gave you a funny act to perform, like doing a dance, or singing a song, or telling a joke. 

We drove back on the wagon through fields of pumpkins and fields of flowers. It was truly a beautiful place and I'm proud to live in such a beautiful state, even if our idea of fun is shooting corn cobs at garbage cans....darn tootin. (We actually don't talk that way here). But we can. 

Who are you?

Oh, woman...I've been meaning to tell you and just haven't because life is busy, and the actual conversation is a little awkward isn't it? I've been struggling, especially since Eli was born (who despite what I'm about to tell you is the absolute joy of my life as well are my girls).

I just don't know who I am anymore. In fact, I'm not sure I ever knew.

There are pieces of me here and there, I think. But I think even those might be a manifestation of motherhood. A product of a seemingly irreversible condition where all you do, day in and day out is that which benefits your children only. I'm satisfied by that!!! I am joyful to see my babies grow happy, healthy, fed, adored incalculably! 

I don't even know if that's a bad thing necessarily, to be consumed by your babies. I'll be the first to admit I'm very confused about the whole thing. God gives us this love, but I just don't know what to do with it!

I remember what I used to be like..say, in my college years. Don't get me wrong. I don't really want to be that person again. I'm a little embarrassed of her at times.  I guess she was fun, but selfish...definitely more unsure than I am now. I feel a little sorry for her, but still, I envy her. It was kind of nice to be so free. To have all the time in the world to figure things out.

And there's the child me. I smile when I remember her. Her potential was vast. She made a lot of mistakes. She liked boys too much. But remember how deeply she loved and how deeply she dreamed! But we seem to watch each other from across the room. I can see her and she can see me, but I know we are not one. We are not the same.

Now? I don't know. I'm a little anxious to say that I don't really know. Sometimes I wonder if I will always float here, unsure of who I am or what I'm doing. I'm jealous of those who seem to KNOW exactly what they are here for. And I'm envious of those who don't know and don't seem to care. They don't need to know like I do!

I had a patient recently, an old guy, funny and full of charm, mischievous and quick to take advantage of his gullible nurse. He'd respond to my medical questions with a half truth, something so crazy I burst out in laughter. I couldn't help it. I turned around from his chart and looked at him laughing. He said, "You know, some people wander around their whole lives wondering what they are here for. Me? It is and always has been clear to me. I'm here to make people laugh. Pure and simple.That's why God put me here."

Oh...how my soul longs for his assuredness. Can it really be that simple?

My sister posted this piece from another mama blog, and I just couldn't get enough. Everything she said was said so eloquently, and articulated in a way I can't. And, as she points out, we moms don't really talk about this subject openly anyway.

But I've given it a shot.

It's so hard

It's so hard....bleeping wanna bleep bleep bleep, bleepin bleeping bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep...it's so hard...

Thank you Big Pun, for writing a song that I can post 3 words from.

Theme? Having 3 kids is hard. Watching them grow up is harder.

I miss blogging! But when can you do it, really? With a baby that gets up at 5:11 on the dot IF not 4:11...someone PLEASE help us. Blogging? I'm trying to shower daily.

Weeks are flying by lately. Even Steve said that last night as we drove to a friend's party. (This was probably the first time in 6 months Steve and I have driven somewhere ALONE and actually had a conversation).

While cliche but true, time flies.

Steve also said another funny yet true comment yesterday...."You haven't really been sick in a while."

"I KNOWWW!!!!" I said..."It's because I work DAYS now. It is so funny what sleeping during the night does to you and your immune system, no matter how broken up by baby time it is. However, I know some of you are really missing the random hospital visit drama though. Sorry about that.

So I'll stop whining about Eli and sleeping. Because really, things in our lives are so much improved since the job change last December. Truly, we couldn't be happier. My kids are happier. My house is messier, but even that, I know, is temporary.

Olivia turns 9 in January. NINE. Do you know how close that is to 18? Well, with how time has flown lately....it's practically tomorrow. And Soph, who was my baby for 6 years...now is 7. Whaaaaat? That being said, I think it's best if I enjoy this speedy little life God has blessed us with, with my tiny little babies who aren't actually babies anymore.

But please don't tell me that. I haven't exactly started their scrapbooks yet. :)