Who are you?

Oh, woman...I've been meaning to tell you and just haven't because life is busy, and the actual conversation is a little awkward isn't it? I've been struggling, especially since Eli was born (who despite what I'm about to tell you is the absolute joy of my life as well are my girls).

I just don't know who I am anymore. In fact, I'm not sure I ever knew.

There are pieces of me here and there, I think. But I think even those might be a manifestation of motherhood. A product of a seemingly irreversible condition where all you do, day in and day out is that which benefits your children only. I'm satisfied by that!!! I am joyful to see my babies grow happy, healthy, fed, adored incalculably! 

I don't even know if that's a bad thing necessarily, to be consumed by your babies. I'll be the first to admit I'm very confused about the whole thing. God gives us this love, but I just don't know what to do with it!

I remember what I used to be like..say, in my college years. Don't get me wrong. I don't really want to be that person again. I'm a little embarrassed of her at times.  I guess she was fun, but selfish...definitely more unsure than I am now. I feel a little sorry for her, but still, I envy her. It was kind of nice to be so free. To have all the time in the world to figure things out.

And there's the child me. I smile when I remember her. Her potential was vast. She made a lot of mistakes. She liked boys too much. But remember how deeply she loved and how deeply she dreamed! But we seem to watch each other from across the room. I can see her and she can see me, but I know we are not one. We are not the same.

Now? I don't know. I'm a little anxious to say that I don't really know. Sometimes I wonder if I will always float here, unsure of who I am or what I'm doing. I'm jealous of those who seem to KNOW exactly what they are here for. And I'm envious of those who don't know and don't seem to care. They don't need to know like I do!

I had a patient recently, an old guy, funny and full of charm, mischievous and quick to take advantage of his gullible nurse. He'd respond to my medical questions with a half truth, something so crazy I burst out in laughter. I couldn't help it. I turned around from his chart and looked at him laughing. He said, "You know, some people wander around their whole lives wondering what they are here for. Me? It is and always has been clear to me. I'm here to make people laugh. Pure and simple.That's why God put me here."

Oh...how my soul longs for his assuredness. Can it really be that simple?

My sister posted this piece from another mama blog, and I just couldn't get enough. Everything she said was said so eloquently, and articulated in a way I can't. And, as she points out, we moms don't really talk about this subject openly anyway.

But I've given it a shot.