Dear Girls-
I wanted to tell you about life, at least as much as I know of it so far...because contrary to what you believe, I'm not really that old yet. Even though I can't give you a complete rule book....wouldn't that be easy? I wanted to at least explain a few things.
A lot of people ask me how my writing is going, how my book is coming along, how my blogging is moving forward. My answer? Ummmm...it's not? My birthday is coming up. I'm turning 29. I suppose it's not monumental in any particular way, but for some reason, it has got me thinking.
Man, I used to dream big.
As a girl and as womankind in general, we dream big. From the first time you have a crush on a boy (it happens sooner than we all think)....to the moment you are inspired by something you see and you wish with all your heart that you could be that or do that....you'll see that us girls, we dream big. We dream with all of our beings, from the depths of our souls. We want and yearn and dream for things like no man could imagine. We hide secrets in the corners of our hearts that we expect no one could understand. When it feels like no one would understand that secret, remember my words here....womankind has one heart, and we all, at one time or another, have felt the same way you do. We all, at some point, feel the desperation that you might be feeling. You are never ever, in fact, truly alone.
With that being said, back to dreams. Dreams can take you places. You can succeed! You might just do it! But you might not either. Not to be a downer, but things do come up. Life gets in the way of our dreams. Money and time...they will climb up on your backs and make your load so much heavier and difficult to carry. Priorities change. And that's ok. Because sometimes our dreams are ones we never knew we had.
Take you for example. You and me, girls.
When I was little, I dreamed big. Bigger, in fact, than I probably remember. I remember pieces of my dreams. I remember feeling so deeply that I thought I might die from those feelings. I dreamed first to be a singer. I thought I might be famous. I thought I might do Broadway. I remember being completely consumed...mind, body, and spirit, as I first heard "On my own" performed at Les Miserables for the first time. And I thought, if that could only be me. Which character would I be? Who would I play? What would it feel like to be on that stage, when the crowd roared at the completion of a song, sung like the miracle I had just witnessed. What if it were me? Little girls, and big alike...we dream big.
Later, I dreamed of being a writer. I wrote a lot in school, and I loved to enter contests and go to conferences, meet famous authors and learn from them. I dreamed of how I'd use my writing as a career. How I would do what I loved most day in and day out. I'd go to college in New York. I'd write for the Times. I'd have an apartment in the city. I'd have modern friends with modern apartments and modern decor. But most of all, my writing...it'd touch people's hearts. People would read it and they'd stop for a minute and reflect on what I'd put into words. They'd realize something they had never realized before. They would make a change in their perspective, their opinions, possibly even their lives. What influence lies in writing! What a dream!
This must be confusing for you now. Am I a famous singer? Did I go to college in New York? Do I even write for a living at all? You must think this is all so silly. Your mom is just a mom. She drives a mini-van now. It's gold. How impossibly plain and cliche must she be? She's a nurse. She works downtown. She limits your TV time. She makes you shower.
You know how I said that sometimes we have dreams that we never even knew we had? That's you. You, girls, were a dream I never knew that I had. Every moment that I have recorded on this blog, from the very first post to the last, whenever that might come, I wrote it for you. I wrote it so that you would know that I cherished every single moment of every seemingly mundane day. And looking back and reading these posts, they make me smile. Even the ones that describe a very normal day with a very normal family and with me, a very normal mom....girls, we have got it made.
Sometimes, I feel a pang of sorrow for the things I have not achieved, for the dreams that have been tucked in the far corners of my heart for another time...maybe when you are older or when you go to college or when we have our student loans paid off, or when this or when that. But that is the reason I'm writing this now to you. I don't have all the answers, and I don't know why God gives us girls such big dreams, especially the ones we don't achieve. But I believe that it isn't for nothing. It has a purpose. And even if it's only purpose is to pass along to your girls someday the simple fact that all girls dream big and that you should hold onto those dreams....girls...it's all worth the longing, the pain, the hard work, the determination, and sometimes, the loss.
To me, there is nothing bigger than the dreams I have for you. I dream of who you will be and what you will be like. I dream of talking to you someday as adult women and listening to you as you tell me your plans. I dream of when you have your own babies someday and you'll realize just what I mean. But mostly, I just want you to know, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I'm not a singer or a writer. I'm not sorry that I never made it to New York and I never had a piece of modern anything in my house. All of my friends are other moms with kids your age. I drive a mini-van that is gold and I think it's the best damn vehicle ever made. I am your mom, and there isn't a bigger dream-come-true in all of history. I'm your mom and this is a mom anthem I'm singing and writing for you. Someday you will read it and you will understand that once upon a time, I might have been a girl just like you.
That girl is still here, dreaming right alongside you. I'm dreaming for you.
Dream on little girls. Dreams really do come true.
