One

Aren't they precious? Yesterday we spent the evening, after soccer, digging up dry spots in our yard and planting grass seed. Tonight, Grandma Jan arrives to help us plant a garden and lots of flowers too. And last night, we got a fantastic rain to help us out. Whoohoo!

As a follow up from my last post (see Mother Bear), I talked to Olivia's teacher about the issue I had with the whole trip. It went medium well. She agreed with me that it was a poor idea, and agreed it was not accomplishing much other than isolating kids from their peers. She told me some of the younger kids had already lost their trip, and it was sad. Kindergarteners?

I asked her for a list of the character flaws that Olivia has, but she couldn't give me any...other than non-character issues like enjoying attention and being silly. I told her that personality differences didn't equal character flaws. She suggested I talk to the committee that decided on the trip. I told her I was talking to her because she knew Olivia, spent nearly every day with her, knows her heart and how hard she works. I was talking to her, because I knew she could help make a difference for ALL of the "bad" kids. ;) She reluctantly said she'd bring it up, but I'm not exactly hopeful of any real result.

But I can tell you this: Olivia is not attending the trip, even if she "earns" it (by being quiet). She is also not attending rules school on that day while her peers go to the lake. My main goal is that NONE of the kids attend rules school on that day. The issue is NOT that they don't understand the rules, the issue is that many of them are a bit behind in social skills, that they may have impulse control problems, that they don't possess the adult ability to assess all the consequences of their behavior (which upon the last research I read, doesn't fully take place until the early 20's...so most definitely not when we're 7). Huh. Sounds like kids aren't adults? They can't always keep long term goals (over months of time) to be quiet. And while I'm all for natural consequences, I'm not for a program that only punishes and doesn't reward. And I'm not for a program that doesn't offer any way to make retribution for their mistakes or earn anything either. The kids are not caught in the hallways doing something nice for others and can't earn points. They only lose them when they mess up. And I teach  my girls that mistakes aren't always permanent; that we can apologize and do our best to make things right. This program at school, debunks that truth.

I've talked to Olivia in kid terms. She understands that no matter what, she won't be there that day. She knows that I don't agree with the fact that all of the kids can't go. But I told her that I'm not mad at her school or her teacher, and it's a personal decision between me and her. I told her it's just something we decided, and it was something for mom to talk about, but not for her to spread around. And she understands. She is making plans for our day together, a day we plan on celebrating her awesome character and all of the hard work and stress that previously went to a purposeless cause. I'm proud of her for trying so hard. I won't agree that she lacks character for going down the slide backwards. And while she knows I still hold her to the highest standards, (she is expected to always follow school rules), on May 13th, we plan on going down slides backwards all day long.

And yesterday, for the first time in a long time, Olivia had a great day at school. She didn't define her day by what she did wrong. She told me about science and how they were learning to measure and weigh things. She told me about recess. She talked about her friends. Sounded like a kid to me...not an angry disgruntled adult after a long day's work...which is appropriate since she is, after all, 7 years old. And if anything, that's all I wanted, for her not to stress so much that she loses her excitement for life and learning. At least for one day, she forgot all about losing her "points", failing, and lacking character. So while, I may not be successful in saving all the "bad" kids from being squashed, I can say I'm doing my best to save one. (One of the best kids on the planet).

Stay tuned for garden awesomeness to come....have a great day!

Mother bear

I feel like a mother bear this morning. I feel like grabbing my kid out of the classroom and bringing her safely home and keeping her here, and reminding her how amazing she is, and what character she possesses. And here's why:

When Olivia started Kindergarten, the teacher had a stoplight system to monitor behavior. They had a clip with their name on it. If their name stayed on green, that was a perfect day. Yellow....ooops. Red....you are going home. Olivia spent nearly every day on yellow. Sometimes yellow with a note sent home. She talks too much when she shouldn't. She's silly when she shouldn't be. She wants attention from the teacher when she doesn't need it. Etc. Etc. ETC. Fine. But, by the end of the year, it wrecked her. When I'd ask her how her day was, excitedly...picking her up from school, wanting to hear about science experiments and reading, I heard, "Well, I moved my clip today." That was it. That defined her day. So, I'd push further. I'd say, "Oh, that's too bad. What else happened? What did you learn?" And sometimes she'd give me a response and sometimes not.

When I had a pre-conference with Olivia's teacher going into the first grade, I asked what her system was for monitoring behavior. I told her how it tore apart Olivia the previous year, and how I hated the fact that her entire day and all her learning to be defined by what color her name was by. I told her I wanted her to be excited about learning, and feel good about herself and proud of what she could do. She totally agreed. She said she would let the kids choose how to monitor their own behavior and they'd take a final vote. Fair enough, I thought.

The kids decided they'd write their name down in a notebook if they did something inappropriate. The teacher made up a point system to go along with it. Any person in the school can tell them to write their name down. For whatever they do that's not appropriate. Mkay, once again defeating my purpose, but we'll see how it goes, I thought.

A few months ago, we got news that there was a trip planned for the kids to a nearby lake with a big beach and a nice playground. Then we learned that only the kids who didn't write their name down too much got to go. It was labeled a "good character" trip. In the meantime, the kids have been trying really hard to keep their behavior on the good side, to not make mistakes, to earn their seat on the bus on that trip.

In the last few weeks, Olivia has written her name down. She has lost all of her points but one. For what you may ask?

-talking at the lunch table
-running to the bathroom
-going down the slide backwards

For real. Is anyone with me here?

Here's the problem I have with this. What's the problem with a little redirection? What's the problem with reminding the kid it's not ok? My family full of educators say this: It all comes down to class size. When teachers have so many students to teach, they can't spend time focusing on certain kids that need more help adjusting. They need all the kids to conform to one way. What way is that? Quiet.

Here's my other problem with this. Quiet kids with quiet personalities fly under the radar. Outgoing, talkative kids fly in the no fly zone. So, kids that are outgoing are labeled bad, while quiet kids are good. Great. Does this mean that talkative kids have no character and quiet kids have it?

How is character defined anyway? Here's one definition:

Moral character or character is an evaluation of a particular individual's moral qualities. The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence or lack of virtues such as integrity, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.

Let me tell you what Olivia's teacher says about her. She says she is loyal to her friends and helps others. She says she is honest and told her that she wasn't supposed to look at her book order because her mom wanted to give her those books as an Easter present. She says that when she makes a mistake, she instantly apologizes and recognizes she was wrong. She says she is hard worker and has improved across the board from the beginning of the year. She says that she is reading beyond her level of expectation for the year. She says she is a great student.

But here we are. And Olivia has one point left to lose before May 13th. May I also point out that they expected the kids to keep this goal over MONTHS of time? Olivia is stressed out about it. So am I. Every morning when I drop her off at school, I remind her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her, but to remember her behavior and do her best.

So, what happens to the kids who don't have "character" and don't get to go on the trip? They have to stay at the school and attend "rules school", where they make the kids do worksheets about the rules and listen to a teacher remind them what all the rules are. Do their peers know they aren't on the trip? Yep. Do they look around and define themselves and the rest of the kids in rules school as bad? YEP.

I'm all for natural consequences. I'm all for teaching my children that life is hard. In fact, that's Olivia's favorite quote. She tells me all the time, like a wise, aged person, "That's just the way life is sometimes, Mom."
We have plenty of consequences in our house and I hold my children to high standards of behavior. I expect them to follow the rules to the best of their ability, everywhere they go. I expect them to treat people with respect, everywhere they go. I insist on honestly, loyalty, courage, and integrity. And I see it everyday. And I tell them when I see it.

So, is this a case of a crazy mom saying "not my daughter"? Maybe a little. But I just don't think that going down the slide backwards, running to the bathroom, or talking at lunch with friends defines my baby as one who is lacking character.

Come May 13th, when Olivia is supposed to sit in rules school, she'll sit with me and I'll sit with her. And I'll remind her every 5 seconds of how proud I am of her and her perfect little heart that only wants to do well and tries harder than anyone I've ever seen. I'll remind her that mistakes don't define her and she is most definitely not "bad". I refuse to let this put a sticker on her chest that she looks down at in shame. Because she is the type of person I'd like to be someday, if I could just have enough character to be like her.

And as I wait for her teacher to call me back so we can discuss this, I'm praying for strength that I can say what I need to say, in a calm and honest way. That I can tell her that I refuse to let Olivia be labeled anymore, but in a way that reveals my love for her and my respect for school rules. I hope I can tell her that I hold Olivia to the highest standards as well, but I don't count slide technique to be included in the definition of character. I'll also tell her that if Olivia attends rules school, they better get out a big mama chair too, because I'll be right there beside her.

If anyone has ever tried to go up against the love of a mother, they know, there is nothing stronger or more resilient. And if there's nothing else that she gets from our conversation than that, that's good enough for me. I love Olivia Noelle deeply and I respect little Olivia deeply and she'll know it. If there's nothing else she believes, she'll know that. And that's all there is to it.

Survival

I always feel really proud of myself after finishing my 3rd night of work in a row and not dying the next day. It always surprises me, but I'm still thankful. I choose life! Does anyone else have to survive work?