Mother bear

I feel like a mother bear this morning. I feel like grabbing my kid out of the classroom and bringing her safely home and keeping her here, and reminding her how amazing she is, and what character she possesses. And here's why:

When Olivia started Kindergarten, the teacher had a stoplight system to monitor behavior. They had a clip with their name on it. If their name stayed on green, that was a perfect day. Yellow....ooops. Red....you are going home. Olivia spent nearly every day on yellow. Sometimes yellow with a note sent home. She talks too much when she shouldn't. She's silly when she shouldn't be. She wants attention from the teacher when she doesn't need it. Etc. Etc. ETC. Fine. But, by the end of the year, it wrecked her. When I'd ask her how her day was, excitedly...picking her up from school, wanting to hear about science experiments and reading, I heard, "Well, I moved my clip today." That was it. That defined her day. So, I'd push further. I'd say, "Oh, that's too bad. What else happened? What did you learn?" And sometimes she'd give me a response and sometimes not.

When I had a pre-conference with Olivia's teacher going into the first grade, I asked what her system was for monitoring behavior. I told her how it tore apart Olivia the previous year, and how I hated the fact that her entire day and all her learning to be defined by what color her name was by. I told her I wanted her to be excited about learning, and feel good about herself and proud of what she could do. She totally agreed. She said she would let the kids choose how to monitor their own behavior and they'd take a final vote. Fair enough, I thought.

The kids decided they'd write their name down in a notebook if they did something inappropriate. The teacher made up a point system to go along with it. Any person in the school can tell them to write their name down. For whatever they do that's not appropriate. Mkay, once again defeating my purpose, but we'll see how it goes, I thought.

A few months ago, we got news that there was a trip planned for the kids to a nearby lake with a big beach and a nice playground. Then we learned that only the kids who didn't write their name down too much got to go. It was labeled a "good character" trip. In the meantime, the kids have been trying really hard to keep their behavior on the good side, to not make mistakes, to earn their seat on the bus on that trip.

In the last few weeks, Olivia has written her name down. She has lost all of her points but one. For what you may ask?

-talking at the lunch table
-running to the bathroom
-going down the slide backwards

For real. Is anyone with me here?

Here's the problem I have with this. What's the problem with a little redirection? What's the problem with reminding the kid it's not ok? My family full of educators say this: It all comes down to class size. When teachers have so many students to teach, they can't spend time focusing on certain kids that need more help adjusting. They need all the kids to conform to one way. What way is that? Quiet.

Here's my other problem with this. Quiet kids with quiet personalities fly under the radar. Outgoing, talkative kids fly in the no fly zone. So, kids that are outgoing are labeled bad, while quiet kids are good. Great. Does this mean that talkative kids have no character and quiet kids have it?

How is character defined anyway? Here's one definition:

Moral character or character is an evaluation of a particular individual's moral qualities. The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence or lack of virtues such as integrity, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.

Let me tell you what Olivia's teacher says about her. She says she is loyal to her friends and helps others. She says she is honest and told her that she wasn't supposed to look at her book order because her mom wanted to give her those books as an Easter present. She says that when she makes a mistake, she instantly apologizes and recognizes she was wrong. She says she is hard worker and has improved across the board from the beginning of the year. She says that she is reading beyond her level of expectation for the year. She says she is a great student.

But here we are. And Olivia has one point left to lose before May 13th. May I also point out that they expected the kids to keep this goal over MONTHS of time? Olivia is stressed out about it. So am I. Every morning when I drop her off at school, I remind her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her, but to remember her behavior and do her best.

So, what happens to the kids who don't have "character" and don't get to go on the trip? They have to stay at the school and attend "rules school", where they make the kids do worksheets about the rules and listen to a teacher remind them what all the rules are. Do their peers know they aren't on the trip? Yep. Do they look around and define themselves and the rest of the kids in rules school as bad? YEP.

I'm all for natural consequences. I'm all for teaching my children that life is hard. In fact, that's Olivia's favorite quote. She tells me all the time, like a wise, aged person, "That's just the way life is sometimes, Mom."
We have plenty of consequences in our house and I hold my children to high standards of behavior. I expect them to follow the rules to the best of their ability, everywhere they go. I expect them to treat people with respect, everywhere they go. I insist on honestly, loyalty, courage, and integrity. And I see it everyday. And I tell them when I see it.

So, is this a case of a crazy mom saying "not my daughter"? Maybe a little. But I just don't think that going down the slide backwards, running to the bathroom, or talking at lunch with friends defines my baby as one who is lacking character.

Come May 13th, when Olivia is supposed to sit in rules school, she'll sit with me and I'll sit with her. And I'll remind her every 5 seconds of how proud I am of her and her perfect little heart that only wants to do well and tries harder than anyone I've ever seen. I'll remind her that mistakes don't define her and she is most definitely not "bad". I refuse to let this put a sticker on her chest that she looks down at in shame. Because she is the type of person I'd like to be someday, if I could just have enough character to be like her.

And as I wait for her teacher to call me back so we can discuss this, I'm praying for strength that I can say what I need to say, in a calm and honest way. That I can tell her that I refuse to let Olivia be labeled anymore, but in a way that reveals my love for her and my respect for school rules. I hope I can tell her that I hold Olivia to the highest standards as well, but I don't count slide technique to be included in the definition of character. I'll also tell her that if Olivia attends rules school, they better get out a big mama chair too, because I'll be right there beside her.

If anyone has ever tried to go up against the love of a mother, they know, there is nothing stronger or more resilient. And if there's nothing else that she gets from our conversation than that, that's good enough for me. I love Olivia Noelle deeply and I respect little Olivia deeply and she'll know it. If there's nothing else she believes, she'll know that. And that's all there is to it.