When I am wrong

When I am wrong, I may only feel it as a feeling, a lurking sense of disatisfaction, but I don't know it as a full knowledge quite yet. I'm not aware it could be me that has been wrong. It's the circumstances right? Fix the circumstance, fix the uneasiness!

Such as, I hurt for those who I try to help and fail, but I bitterly think to myself that if I had only done this or had only done that, if I had changed the circumstance, I could've changed the outcome! As if perfection were mine to reach. As if I control more than what I have for breakfast.

My soul has wondered lately, what my purpose is at all. I had a glorious dream these past few years, that I would rise above my lowly position as a student and mother and become a great nurse, someone that would be remembered by my patients forever, someone who has made a difference not to be forgotten. These were the dreams of one searching for their own significance. But, significance is not found exclusively in self or in deeds, and when searched for there, you will come up short. You will not find it there. And neither did I.

Jesus said, "If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." Luke 6:32-36.

When I try so hard to heal someone and sit back to see the results, I'm disappointed. This is what I've been at work lately, disappointed, struck down, saddened. Social conditions continue to deteriorate, sadness sometimes prevails, poverty is prevalent, evil surrounds. According to Jesus, of course it's easy to love those who love you (the patients who love me right back and we get along great and they are renewed and thankful). But Jesus says, anybody can do that! And if I lend to those who can repay (give me verbal thanks and praise and vow to stop their unhealthy habits), why should I get credit for that?

I've whined in the past few weeks that maybe I'm just in the wrong field. I need to see happy, have recognition for doing a good job, be remembered for doing good. I want to see people's lives changed, and sadness turned to happiness. Where does that happen? Where is that job? Labor and delivery? The clinic? Surgery so they are knocked out and can't talk to me?

It has hit me today through the reading of Luke, who is known as a compassionate physician, that it's possible that this world and the work I do is NOT for me but for HIM. I'm reminded kindly, that searching for worldly praise will never fulfill.

So may I do my work as I have always done, but without searching for respect or success. Relying on the Lord to fill my spirit, not by words of a thankful people, but through Him, a silent master of fulfillment. I have all I need.

To remind myself:

Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord. And He...will lift...you up! Higher and higher and He will lift you up.

"The Lord is my shepard. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. "

When the day is done
And there's no one else around
While I'm lying here in bed
You're in my heart, You're in my head
You're all I need, You're all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You're the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You're all I need

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You're all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone
You're all I need
You're all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You're still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You're all I need
You're all I need

I'm drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

You're all I need