This little light of mine

I've been meaning to write a post for a long time now. I wanted to write a good post, something that made sense anyway. It seems that the words just won't come to me though. The thoughts won't complete themselves. Conclusions are scarce.

Don't get me wrong. Things are going well around the Clark household. More on that later though. My wordless problem resides more in the fact that the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately are too big, and more vast than my brain can comprehend, let alone, turn into words on this virtual page.

For example, my first baby girl, Olivia....what a beautiful name if I do say so myself....was born nine years ago on a Wednesday. January 8th. It was unusually warm that day. I was told it was 60 degrees!!!! That is much like today here in Iowa, and I suppose it's got me remembering that. But I was induced on that day, so from before the sun rose until after the sun had set, I was at work, inside a hospital room. I was 20 years old. I was a baby. I was a baby having a baby. But even then I knew what I wanted to do with this child. I knew I wanted her and I wanted to be a good mom and I wanted her to have a real family. I wanted, for once, to do things right. 

It must be the new year mentality, the one that brings so much hope? The one that inspires us to do things right and well and better than we used to? Well, even though it was directly after the holidays and everyone just wants a break, and it's not exactly the best time for another big family event, it turned out...January 8th was the chosen day for new life. A new soul. A spark in the darkness. A new spicy little personality, unlike any other, born. 

Olivia illuminates the world around her wherever she goes. Have you met her? When she was young, it was a bit more than I could handle sometimes. I thought myself a total failure at nearly every function because we were quite unable to keep it low key. But everyone always smiled back at Olivia, no matter what the scene this young mother and her "energetic" little girl were causing. Must have been the pigtails, or maybe the big blue eyes. Or maybe the astronomical amount of LIFE that this child contains. It just spills out of her. And that can certainly not be blamed on the girl. 

Olivia turns nine Sunday. Nine. The equivalent of the world as I have known it. A birthday for me as well. The birthday of me as a mother, which as far as I can see or remember, was what I was meant to be my whole life. It is my birthday too. It was the starting point of a new woman, one who has left her old self behind, struggles sometimes to know exactly who she is because of that, BUT, does not entirely care. She doesn't comprehend who she has become really, but she knows that whoever she is, and whatever she is doing, it is helping to shape the most incomprehensible beauty ever known to her (another person! another soul! another child of God who has her own dreams, hopes, and wishes!). That, I suppose, is worth the wait. That someday I'll understand who I might be, and someday I might not. But even so....look. Just look! 

Three.new.souls. Chosen by God. Given to me (I don't know why) to care for, love, and let go of, someday.

There are just no real words to explain that kind of joy. The kind that doesn't fade when things get bad. The kind that ONLY comes from above. 

Happy Birthday Olivia

Let your light shine little mama!!!