Payback

Dear Mom,

I have to sit down and write you this to apologize. See, as I was cleaning my kitchen at 5 a.m. this morning, busily putting homework books away and recycling papers, I swept away a stack of papers to find a giant black, hairy tarantula on my kitchen table.

As I'm typing this, I'm still drenched in sweat and my heart is palpitating. I feel nauseous but I'm still shakily raising my cup of coffee to my quivering lips because I'm trying really, really hard to carry on as a normal human should.

I'm a smart, educated woman. Right? I know it can't be real. I live in Iowa. We have no giant, black, hairy tarantulas. But there it is. On my kitchen table.

You know, after I ran out of the room trying to catch my breath and finally got the courage to go back in and had talked myself into the fact that it truly wasn't real....I HAD TO, in fact, take care of this myself, because, of all times in the universe, Steve is away on a business trip right now. Mom, I thought of you.

I remember when I went to the Science Center as a kid and I had some money to spend at the gift shop. And do you remember what I bought? I put it on your pillow. I'm sure you do. Just for everyone else, I'll write it here. It was a giant, curled up, glow in the dark centipede. The thing you fear most in life. And I put it on your pillow. And in my little tiny kid heart, I truly believed you'd think it was FUNNY. Ha ha ha. FUNNY. Can you believe that Mom? I just couldn't fathom your reaction when you were so furious with me.

But now I get it.

I totally get.

Payback is a b*t#h. And that is my life lesson today.

I love you, Mom. You are my hero. Today, I'm really sorry about the centipede, and I can't wait for Sophie Grace Clark to wake up out of her peaceful slumber this morning...........I.JUST.CAN'T.WAIT.