When you weren't watching

Well, I successfully completed three 12 hr nights at work in a row. I expected them to be as miserable as my whole entire preceptorship of nights, but it was surprisingly good. I mean, the second night was pretty painful around 5:30 am when two more hours sounded like pure torture. But the third night, I was wide awake until 8 am! It was amazing that my body adjusted like that, in three days, but just a tiny bit discouraging that it adjusted on the last night I had to work. Then last night, there I was at 1:30 am on my couch wondering if I would ever go to bed. Nothing a little Benedryl won't fix. That's good nursing for you.

Nights are also much quieter at the hospital. I like that I'm just the right amount of busy. I have time to chart my stuff and I have time to take good care of my patients. If it weren't for the whole time thing, I'd work nights for life. I really thought I'd NEVER say that, but I just did, and I mean it.

I've been reading through my blog this a.m., realizing that I've become a scrapbooking, activity creating, carpooling mom, minus minivan (which actually sounds like a really nice thing to own right now). Still difficult to swallow when I take this step back to realize that I have indeed arrived in motherhood, until now unknowingly changed...not only changed, but apparently totally enjoying it....planning my picnics and outings with the kiddos, getting excited about good sales on kids clothes at Target, clipping coupons, and enjoying the smell of Tide (which I can now afford instead of the Purex powder...we've moved up in the world), and priding myself in well thought out meals. I've officially jumped in both feet into a world I thought I'd never fit into to, but here I am. Here I am in the evenings flipping through flashcards with Olivia and signing permission slips, writing out checks and supporting the local football team, to which my brother calls me a townie. :) He keeps me in check. Although I don't mind it much, supporting the team. I've got a really nice pair of black sweatpants now. Do you? I'm cracking up at the recent Book-It note sent home with Olivia. Will she also work hard to earn her personal pan pizza??? Like mother like daughter, I'm SURE she will.

Scary isn't it? When you step back and realize you are nothing that you ever thought you would be? But it doesn't matter, because you clearly enjoy it and now can officially laugh at yourself and your changed-unbeknownst-to-you self. I remember thinking as a teenager that I would NEVER let myself go and would always make sure to buy the latest fashions. I would always be the cool mom, driving the nice car and wearing nice clothes. But this morning, in my gray oversized sweatshirt AND a pair of also gray sweatpant capris, I sent Olivia out to the bus without me, not wanting to embarrass her from our driveway in my obviously let go self......that's ok though. I'll probably shower later and put on something cute. Besides, does it really matter what I'm wearing? Raise your coffee cup to this. So here's to living in the station you've arrived at and enjoying it, because I do. I'll just smile about it. It's ridiculously NOT what I expected to be, but thankful of regardless.

I'm off to enjoy my Tide scented laundry room and my cup of coffee in my slippers....knowing that my first real paycheck was deposited in the early hours of this morning into my bank account. I have arrived.

"Happiness is not a station in which to arrive at, but a manner of traveling."