My bad

My bad.

Who doesn't miss that phrase? It may eventually, if not already there, go down in history with other such greats such as "cool beans" or if I could add my own in here quick: "being-as-how".

Anyway, today, my bad is fitting.

Confession:

I've been completely consumed by desire. Turns out, "evil" (ouch) desires if you ask 1 Peter, or 2 Peter, and I'm sure 3 Peter if there was a such a thing, and probably seventy bagillion other places in the Good Book.

I want a new house. A bigger house. A better house. One that I'm proud to bring people to. One that I can fit friends and family in at a whim with ease. One that the kids can run laps in, instead of turning sideways and saying excuse me as you suck your breath in to squeeze by in....possibly a bit of exaggeration there but who's counting?

It was so fun to look. It was so fun to dream. For a while. Then came planning, and tons of more thoughts and planning, and heaps of financial thinking and reorganizing and then came thoughts of what I would sacrifice to make it work, perseverance right? Right??? God wants us to be happy, right? He blesses us if we ask, right?? Right??? I deserve this! I can afford this.

I think.

At what cost? FYI: I'm not talking money here.

It doesn't matter your opinion on wanting or needing or what God does and does not want for us. Turns out, I don't need to know....I'm already miserable. After I wake up in the middle of the night to feed Eli, I'm overtaken with anxiety about the whole deal. Early morning after early morning. I'm wondering and praying and wishing and hoping. I'm telling God how much I want this, and I'm hoping that he wants me to have it too! I'm like a begging child in the toy aisles at Target. And we all know that aint pretty. But I also tell him that I want to NOT want this. Please make it go away. Please help me to be content with what I have. Please take away my fear and the incessant planning that is swirling around in my head. But so far, I haven't let him.

This morning I (finally) dusted off the old Good Book. Better late than never! Timing has never been my forte.

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." James 3:13-15

Owwwiiieeeee! The devil? Evil? Ouch. I just wanted a new house. I just wanted to be cooler. I just wanted to be like everybody else. But but but....

I have to be honest. I don't know what a harvest of righteousness looks like. I don't really understand what that means. It reminds me of Elf, "What's a Christmasgram? I want one!" I don't know what a harvest of righteousness is or what that means, but I certainly know what harboring bitter envy and selfish ambition means and feels like. I know what the disorder feels like. I feel a pinch when I'm told it's of the devil (whoa!), saying devil is not exactly PC anymore...but the Bible doesn't worry about stuff like that like I do.

There was a time when I could sit down and write about the beauty around me. I could sit down and pump out a blog post in minutes, reveling in the beauty of my drive to work, or a simple day at home with  my kids, hanging clothes on the line in the breeze, watching them play.

Recently? My mind has frozen over. My heart has felt empty. My mind is blocked. Why wouldn't the words flow anymore? Why didn't I have much to say? Bzzzzz (some people use that as an abbrev of sorts for the word "because" and since we're talking about awesome phrases today, I'll stick with the theme)....bzzzzz I have filled my heart with the thick nasty sludge of selfish ambition. A big ugly ME has completely filled it up, and in the meantime, it has blocked out all the joy and peace and beauty that God has placed in my life, and all around me.

It sure is hard to see past yourself sometimes.

But it's getting a bit easier today. Sometimes, I think, half the battle is identifying your enemy. In this case, now that I know who and what it is (me), I've suddenly got the big dog advantage....because I know quite a bit about me.

I could move still. I'm not saying I'll never move again. I'm not saying that it's bad to want a bigger house. But finding myself consumed by it is another thing completely. It aint right. And if I really told the truth, the house isn't the real issue now is it?

Things that make you go hmmmmm....

BANG! There's another doozie!

I hear the birds outside tweeting away. The sun is rising and I see blue sky (for once). Thank you Iowa. 

And for now anyway, our little house suddenly seems quite adorable.