My bad

My bad.

Who doesn't miss that phrase? It may eventually, if not already there, go down in history with other such greats such as "cool beans" or if I could add my own in here quick: "being-as-how".

Anyway, today, my bad is fitting.

Confession:

I've been completely consumed by desire. Turns out, "evil" (ouch) desires if you ask 1 Peter, or 2 Peter, and I'm sure 3 Peter if there was a such a thing, and probably seventy bagillion other places in the Good Book.

I want a new house. A bigger house. A better house. One that I'm proud to bring people to. One that I can fit friends and family in at a whim with ease. One that the kids can run laps in, instead of turning sideways and saying excuse me as you suck your breath in to squeeze by in....possibly a bit of exaggeration there but who's counting?

It was so fun to look. It was so fun to dream. For a while. Then came planning, and tons of more thoughts and planning, and heaps of financial thinking and reorganizing and then came thoughts of what I would sacrifice to make it work, perseverance right? Right??? God wants us to be happy, right? He blesses us if we ask, right?? Right??? I deserve this! I can afford this.

I think.

At what cost? FYI: I'm not talking money here.

It doesn't matter your opinion on wanting or needing or what God does and does not want for us. Turns out, I don't need to know....I'm already miserable. After I wake up in the middle of the night to feed Eli, I'm overtaken with anxiety about the whole deal. Early morning after early morning. I'm wondering and praying and wishing and hoping. I'm telling God how much I want this, and I'm hoping that he wants me to have it too! I'm like a begging child in the toy aisles at Target. And we all know that aint pretty. But I also tell him that I want to NOT want this. Please make it go away. Please help me to be content with what I have. Please take away my fear and the incessant planning that is swirling around in my head. But so far, I haven't let him.

This morning I (finally) dusted off the old Good Book. Better late than never! Timing has never been my forte.

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peaceloving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." James 3:13-15

Owwwiiieeeee! The devil? Evil? Ouch. I just wanted a new house. I just wanted to be cooler. I just wanted to be like everybody else. But but but....

I have to be honest. I don't know what a harvest of righteousness looks like. I don't really understand what that means. It reminds me of Elf, "What's a Christmasgram? I want one!" I don't know what a harvest of righteousness is or what that means, but I certainly know what harboring bitter envy and selfish ambition means and feels like. I know what the disorder feels like. I feel a pinch when I'm told it's of the devil (whoa!), saying devil is not exactly PC anymore...but the Bible doesn't worry about stuff like that like I do.

There was a time when I could sit down and write about the beauty around me. I could sit down and pump out a blog post in minutes, reveling in the beauty of my drive to work, or a simple day at home with  my kids, hanging clothes on the line in the breeze, watching them play.

Recently? My mind has frozen over. My heart has felt empty. My mind is blocked. Why wouldn't the words flow anymore? Why didn't I have much to say? Bzzzzz (some people use that as an abbrev of sorts for the word "because" and since we're talking about awesome phrases today, I'll stick with the theme)....bzzzzz I have filled my heart with the thick nasty sludge of selfish ambition. A big ugly ME has completely filled it up, and in the meantime, it has blocked out all the joy and peace and beauty that God has placed in my life, and all around me.

It sure is hard to see past yourself sometimes.

But it's getting a bit easier today. Sometimes, I think, half the battle is identifying your enemy. In this case, now that I know who and what it is (me), I've suddenly got the big dog advantage....because I know quite a bit about me.

I could move still. I'm not saying I'll never move again. I'm not saying that it's bad to want a bigger house. But finding myself consumed by it is another thing completely. It aint right. And if I really told the truth, the house isn't the real issue now is it?

Things that make you go hmmmmm....

BANG! There's another doozie!

I hear the birds outside tweeting away. The sun is rising and I see blue sky (for once). Thank you Iowa. 

And for now anyway, our little house suddenly seems quite adorable.

Events

Here are some pics from some recent events in the Clark family. 

Event #1: The girls put Eli into a toy baby crib down in their room. He lived through it.

 Event #2: Sophie sang in her concert and did fabulously. We were in bad position for pics, but here is a far away one..can you find her? And there are a couple after on the risers. 

 Event #3: The North Polk Health Fair: We attended the health fair at the school on Saturday. They had lots of activities including the rock wall. Look at the cute little wall hangings! 

The very best part of the health fair was the giveaways, if you ask me. And guess who won a bike?! SOPHIE! She was thrilled! We all were. Sophie needed a new bike and we had kind of looked around but didn't buy anything. On the way out, Sophie asked the ladies at the registration desk if she had won the bike, and they said something like, "Oh honey...we won't draw until Monday! But you just might win! You never know!"

Monday came, and I got the call. The school nurse said they announced it over the intercom at school that Sophie had won! I am so happy for her. I could just picture her barking with joy. ;)

Pictures of Sophie on her bike to follow soon! Like maybe when it's not 35 degrees and raining constantly. Gotta love it here in ol' Iowa.

Pity parties are contagious

I was just reading my sister's blog (who is there and is awesome)...we had a teacher that talked that way for real...anyway, she was discussing pity parties that we have  for ourselves and I realized that I'm having one too! No way! They must be contagious.

I'm EXHAUSTED! Who understands working? It's really hard! Getting up. Going there. Coming back. Picking up small people. Busing to various activities. Can't a girl do nothing and love it? (That was a Dad quote except he didn't call himself a girl).

Can I do nothing? Nope.

So there in lies the basis for my pity party. I yearn for laziness but alas, cannot find it.

Bummer.

The perfect weekend

So this past weekend ROCKED! Saturday morning, Olivia played in her first soccer game of the season, scored a few goals, made mama proud, and then we sold some Girl Scout cookies at the mall for a couple of hours. After that, we headed out to the campsite to meet up with Steve, Sophie, and Eli. 

This was our first voyage of the season and it was perfect. The weather was unseasonably warm, but still quite cool at night...perfect for a fire and giant marshmallows. We played bouncy ball, went on a long hike along the beach, Steve wowed us with his rock skipping skillz, the girls rode bikes, we grilled meat, and sat in camping chairs. What more is there really?

Eli slept horribly, as did I. We drove home around 4 am and we slept until 8 and then rejoined the group for breakfast. There was a huge raccoon fight underneath the camper where we accidentally left the bag of dog food and in the morning we found bloody coon prints everywhere. Nice. 

Anyway, see a few pics for yourself. One of many more weekends with TERRY to come. 

TERRY'S maiden voyage 2011

Tomorrow we embark upon our first camping trip of 2011. TERRY is sitting proudly in the driveway, being primped and preened by Steve and Sophie as we speak. Olivia and Eli are fast asleep in their beds, with visions of marshmallows and Gerber peach puffs dancing in their heads.

We're sticking close to home for the first trip of the season, because we'll inevitably forget something vital and have to go back home. But we're excited! It's supposed to be nice out tomorrow too.

What else is new?

Eli is finally feeling better and acting like himself again. AMEN!

Soccer has started. Olivia's first game is tomorrow. After a sobbing fest after she realized she's on a team of all 1st graders and she cried and cried about how unfair life was, I think she's just a little bit excited for her game tomorrow. And I have a sneaking suspicion that those 1st grade girls won't be so different from her as she believes right now. Believe it or not, my heart still aches for her, even for 8 year old heartbreak.

Sigh...

Ahhhhh ahhh ahhhh heart break...warfare...

Woe to the mothers who feel all the feelings of their children right alongside them. Does this mean I have to relive junior high again too?! Ugh.

Anyway.

I really love my kids.

Here's to the maiden voyage of TERRY 2011!

I raise my rainbow drink and poptart to you! (The Powers family knows what I'm talking about).

Cheers!