One

Aren't they precious? Yesterday we spent the evening, after soccer, digging up dry spots in our yard and planting grass seed. Tonight, Grandma Jan arrives to help us plant a garden and lots of flowers too. And last night, we got a fantastic rain to help us out. Whoohoo!

As a follow up from my last post (see Mother Bear), I talked to Olivia's teacher about the issue I had with the whole trip. It went medium well. She agreed with me that it was a poor idea, and agreed it was not accomplishing much other than isolating kids from their peers. She told me some of the younger kids had already lost their trip, and it was sad. Kindergarteners?

I asked her for a list of the character flaws that Olivia has, but she couldn't give me any...other than non-character issues like enjoying attention and being silly. I told her that personality differences didn't equal character flaws. She suggested I talk to the committee that decided on the trip. I told her I was talking to her because she knew Olivia, spent nearly every day with her, knows her heart and how hard she works. I was talking to her, because I knew she could help make a difference for ALL of the "bad" kids. ;) She reluctantly said she'd bring it up, but I'm not exactly hopeful of any real result.

But I can tell you this: Olivia is not attending the trip, even if she "earns" it (by being quiet). She is also not attending rules school on that day while her peers go to the lake. My main goal is that NONE of the kids attend rules school on that day. The issue is NOT that they don't understand the rules, the issue is that many of them are a bit behind in social skills, that they may have impulse control problems, that they don't possess the adult ability to assess all the consequences of their behavior (which upon the last research I read, doesn't fully take place until the early 20's...so most definitely not when we're 7). Huh. Sounds like kids aren't adults? They can't always keep long term goals (over months of time) to be quiet. And while I'm all for natural consequences, I'm not for a program that only punishes and doesn't reward. And I'm not for a program that doesn't offer any way to make retribution for their mistakes or earn anything either. The kids are not caught in the hallways doing something nice for others and can't earn points. They only lose them when they mess up. And I teach  my girls that mistakes aren't always permanent; that we can apologize and do our best to make things right. This program at school, debunks that truth.

I've talked to Olivia in kid terms. She understands that no matter what, she won't be there that day. She knows that I don't agree with the fact that all of the kids can't go. But I told her that I'm not mad at her school or her teacher, and it's a personal decision between me and her. I told her it's just something we decided, and it was something for mom to talk about, but not for her to spread around. And she understands. She is making plans for our day together, a day we plan on celebrating her awesome character and all of the hard work and stress that previously went to a purposeless cause. I'm proud of her for trying so hard. I won't agree that she lacks character for going down the slide backwards. And while she knows I still hold her to the highest standards, (she is expected to always follow school rules), on May 13th, we plan on going down slides backwards all day long.

And yesterday, for the first time in a long time, Olivia had a great day at school. She didn't define her day by what she did wrong. She told me about science and how they were learning to measure and weigh things. She told me about recess. She talked about her friends. Sounded like a kid to me...not an angry disgruntled adult after a long day's work...which is appropriate since she is, after all, 7 years old. And if anything, that's all I wanted, for her not to stress so much that she loses her excitement for life and learning. At least for one day, she forgot all about losing her "points", failing, and lacking character. So while, I may not be successful in saving all the "bad" kids from being squashed, I can say I'm doing my best to save one. (One of the best kids on the planet).

Stay tuned for garden awesomeness to come....have a great day!

Mother bear

I feel like a mother bear this morning. I feel like grabbing my kid out of the classroom and bringing her safely home and keeping her here, and reminding her how amazing she is, and what character she possesses. And here's why:

When Olivia started Kindergarten, the teacher had a stoplight system to monitor behavior. They had a clip with their name on it. If their name stayed on green, that was a perfect day. Yellow....ooops. Red....you are going home. Olivia spent nearly every day on yellow. Sometimes yellow with a note sent home. She talks too much when she shouldn't. She's silly when she shouldn't be. She wants attention from the teacher when she doesn't need it. Etc. Etc. ETC. Fine. But, by the end of the year, it wrecked her. When I'd ask her how her day was, excitedly...picking her up from school, wanting to hear about science experiments and reading, I heard, "Well, I moved my clip today." That was it. That defined her day. So, I'd push further. I'd say, "Oh, that's too bad. What else happened? What did you learn?" And sometimes she'd give me a response and sometimes not.

When I had a pre-conference with Olivia's teacher going into the first grade, I asked what her system was for monitoring behavior. I told her how it tore apart Olivia the previous year, and how I hated the fact that her entire day and all her learning to be defined by what color her name was by. I told her I wanted her to be excited about learning, and feel good about herself and proud of what she could do. She totally agreed. She said she would let the kids choose how to monitor their own behavior and they'd take a final vote. Fair enough, I thought.

The kids decided they'd write their name down in a notebook if they did something inappropriate. The teacher made up a point system to go along with it. Any person in the school can tell them to write their name down. For whatever they do that's not appropriate. Mkay, once again defeating my purpose, but we'll see how it goes, I thought.

A few months ago, we got news that there was a trip planned for the kids to a nearby lake with a big beach and a nice playground. Then we learned that only the kids who didn't write their name down too much got to go. It was labeled a "good character" trip. In the meantime, the kids have been trying really hard to keep their behavior on the good side, to not make mistakes, to earn their seat on the bus on that trip.

In the last few weeks, Olivia has written her name down. She has lost all of her points but one. For what you may ask?

-talking at the lunch table
-running to the bathroom
-going down the slide backwards

For real. Is anyone with me here?

Here's the problem I have with this. What's the problem with a little redirection? What's the problem with reminding the kid it's not ok? My family full of educators say this: It all comes down to class size. When teachers have so many students to teach, they can't spend time focusing on certain kids that need more help adjusting. They need all the kids to conform to one way. What way is that? Quiet.

Here's my other problem with this. Quiet kids with quiet personalities fly under the radar. Outgoing, talkative kids fly in the no fly zone. So, kids that are outgoing are labeled bad, while quiet kids are good. Great. Does this mean that talkative kids have no character and quiet kids have it?

How is character defined anyway? Here's one definition:

Moral character or character is an evaluation of a particular individual's moral qualities. The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence or lack of virtues such as integrity, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.

Let me tell you what Olivia's teacher says about her. She says she is loyal to her friends and helps others. She says she is honest and told her that she wasn't supposed to look at her book order because her mom wanted to give her those books as an Easter present. She says that when she makes a mistake, she instantly apologizes and recognizes she was wrong. She says she is hard worker and has improved across the board from the beginning of the year. She says that she is reading beyond her level of expectation for the year. She says she is a great student.

But here we are. And Olivia has one point left to lose before May 13th. May I also point out that they expected the kids to keep this goal over MONTHS of time? Olivia is stressed out about it. So am I. Every morning when I drop her off at school, I remind her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her, but to remember her behavior and do her best.

So, what happens to the kids who don't have "character" and don't get to go on the trip? They have to stay at the school and attend "rules school", where they make the kids do worksheets about the rules and listen to a teacher remind them what all the rules are. Do their peers know they aren't on the trip? Yep. Do they look around and define themselves and the rest of the kids in rules school as bad? YEP.

I'm all for natural consequences. I'm all for teaching my children that life is hard. In fact, that's Olivia's favorite quote. She tells me all the time, like a wise, aged person, "That's just the way life is sometimes, Mom."
We have plenty of consequences in our house and I hold my children to high standards of behavior. I expect them to follow the rules to the best of their ability, everywhere they go. I expect them to treat people with respect, everywhere they go. I insist on honestly, loyalty, courage, and integrity. And I see it everyday. And I tell them when I see it.

So, is this a case of a crazy mom saying "not my daughter"? Maybe a little. But I just don't think that going down the slide backwards, running to the bathroom, or talking at lunch with friends defines my baby as one who is lacking character.

Come May 13th, when Olivia is supposed to sit in rules school, she'll sit with me and I'll sit with her. And I'll remind her every 5 seconds of how proud I am of her and her perfect little heart that only wants to do well and tries harder than anyone I've ever seen. I'll remind her that mistakes don't define her and she is most definitely not "bad". I refuse to let this put a sticker on her chest that she looks down at in shame. Because she is the type of person I'd like to be someday, if I could just have enough character to be like her.

And as I wait for her teacher to call me back so we can discuss this, I'm praying for strength that I can say what I need to say, in a calm and honest way. That I can tell her that I refuse to let Olivia be labeled anymore, but in a way that reveals my love for her and my respect for school rules. I hope I can tell her that I hold Olivia to the highest standards as well, but I don't count slide technique to be included in the definition of character. I'll also tell her that if Olivia attends rules school, they better get out a big mama chair too, because I'll be right there beside her.

If anyone has ever tried to go up against the love of a mother, they know, there is nothing stronger or more resilient. And if there's nothing else that she gets from our conversation than that, that's good enough for me. I love Olivia Noelle deeply and I respect little Olivia deeply and she'll know it. If there's nothing else she believes, she'll know that. And that's all there is to it.

Survival

I always feel really proud of myself after finishing my 3rd night of work in a row and not dying the next day. It always surprises me, but I'm still thankful. I choose life! Does anyone else have to survive work?

Fleurs

I love when things don't die. I have a brown thumb. I kill nearly all houseplants I touch. Perhaps they need more water? Perhaps less? Perhaps more sun...less? 

But outside plants? I so totally ROCK ;) Or...maybe it's not me that rocks....

This post is for my mom, mainly, as she helps us garden each year...we like to update her on "our" progress. Happy Spring!

FLORIDA

 Here are a few of our pics from sunny Florida. To see more please visit:

http://www2.snapfish.com/snapfish/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=3875172009/a=50989263_50989263/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/

We had a fantastic trip! The weather was perfect..low 80's, sun, an occasional night time rain. Beauty. 

The girls hunted lizards, saw a bobcat, caught a catfish without a pole or a license, rode around on a golf cart with great grandma, ate authentic sea food, splashed around in the the hot tub, went for a spin on the john boat, swam in the bay next to a friendly pelican, drank root beer, and they pool swam to their little hearts content....all the makings for the perfect vacay. Olivia will report one downfall: her encounter with a hill of fire ants. They left some decent bites on her feet and a permanent mark in her memory. However, I predict she'll make a full recovery.

I took a daily nap, followed the girls around and made rules to save their lives, swam a little, LOVED Siesta Key Beach, and savored my Dad's perfect coffee every morning. I also FINALLY got to meet my little niece, Taylor (see snapfish). She is PERFECT. And I love her.

Steve helped Dad with the boat and hooked up a ginormous camper that disqualifies you from calling it "camping" if you stay in it. 

The best part was hanging out with our Florida family and revisiting my Dad's "amazing" puns and jokes. And today, we returned on a bumpy turbulency flight back to rainy, chilly, windy Iowa....the promise land. And there's no sarcasm involved here. Our fruit trees are in full bloom, our lilacs are voluptuous, the grass is green, and to Olivia's relief, there are no fire ants. And we had one happy puppy waiting to see us when we got home. 

We're baaack....

Flower girls

These are pics from Olivia's weekend wedding extravaganza. My friend Charity, from nursing school, honored us with the request for Olivia to be the flower girl in her wedding. Olivia was thrilled at the prospect, of course, as she is...a princess by nature.

She did a fantastic job. She even stood up with the bridesmaids the entire service. She didn't need me much at all...except for the occasional talk to remind her that this day was NOT about her so much as about Charity and her new husband. :) She seemed to get that.

To save a little cash, I also did Liv's hair. It looked just like the bride's, just the way Olivia wanted to look. Olivia told everyone that her mom did her hair, and I loved that...because we mother's of growing up too fast little girls know...you must hold on to the little things you do right. It only happens once in a while! :)

I had a wonderful time being her "date" (Steve and Soph are up in Sioux City this weekend). We had a fantastic time together and where can a girl get a better looking date than this kid? :)

The TERRY

We embarked on our first camping trip of the season last weekend. The weather was fantastic. The fire was hot. The marshmallows sticky. We hiked a bunch, walked over a field full of driftwood left over from the flooding, climbed trees, played at the park, roasted things and ate them, made a rock collection, and slept very little and not well. We even gained a little camping girl, cousin Hannah, on Saturday evening. Even Rosie Posie Clark camped like a champ. We all stayed in TERRY, our camper. I'm very thankful for TERRY. It's so much better than sleeping amongst giant spiders and the bugs that cling to the outside of tents. Egh. Steve is disappointed with the name TERRY. All the other campers have manly, outdoorsy, adventurous names like: Hitchhiker, Eagle, Mountain Ridge...stuff like that. The other campers have pictures of cougars on the prowl, eagles in flight, wolves..howling at the moon. Ours?...it says: TERRY. 

It grows on you, really. 

The season's first of many camping trips to come...success. Thanks, TERRY. 

If I really said it...

These are my soccer babes. Sophie is just tickled that her number is #5 which correlates perfectly with her age. And believe it or not, (it's a soccer miracle), Olivia is #7, which you might have guessed already....is her current age as well. Believe it. 

There isn't much that can make me more frantic than "watching" my kid play in a soccer game. I have to use extreme restrain not to scream "BITE HER HEAD! KNOCK HER OUT! KICK HER SHIN! GET THAT 9 YEAR OLD CHEATER OUT OF HERE! THIS IS A 8 & UNDER LEAGUE! HEY REF...DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE THE WHISTLE?" etc...etc....

There's just something about watching them compete that makes me very competitive....internally. So, as we hope an adult would, I keep it all in, and I talk to them about being good sports to the other team (those losers), and I praise them for their sportsmanlike behavior (even though the other team were jerks), and for having integrity (because the other team is obviously cheating), and most importantly, for trying so hard....and that's all that Mommy ever wants & expects...win or lose. Winning or losing certainly doesn't matter in the end......

(But KILLLLLLL THEMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

MY BANGS LOOK GOOD & OTHER LIES I TELL MYSELF

I was excited when I heard my new favorite author was coming out with a second book. Her first,

All I Need Is Jesus and a Good Pair of Jeans: The Tired Supergirl's Search for Grace, knocked my socks off. This woman, Susanna Aughtmon, can speak to your soul like she's been living in it. She can put onto paper what I thought my heart alone struggled with. Turns out...nope, it's not just me. The things I struggle with as a woman/mother/wife/person are one of the same for just about every other fellow female around me. It was a breath of fresh air to no longer feel so alone.

Aughtmon's new book:

My Bangs Look Good and Other Lies I Tell Myself: The Tired Supergirl's Search for Truth

rings true once again. This book focuses on the common lies we tell ourselves as women of God.

Like....Lie #1: God is out to get me

or Lie #6: God can't use me

or Lie #11: God owes me

or Lie #14: I will never be enough

Lie #16: I am in control of my own destiny

Lie #17: I can't hear God's voice

Lie #23: I am never going to get free......

Each chapter explores one of these common lies, and Aughtmon tells it like it really is. She debunks these lies for us with humor, grace, scripture, and a realness that can refresh your soul and make you feel like you're sitting across the table from a good friend at Starbucks. She's not shy about hiding her flaws, misgivings, or past mistakes. She uses them to disprove the lies we are so apt to believe. And that's just (what I think anyway) what God wants us to do for each other.

My favorite lines from the book come from Lie #17: I can't hear God's voice. Aughtmon says this:

"But the truth is, God has never stopped speaking. He speaks through his creation. He speaks through his Scripture. He speaks through his people and speaks through circumstances and trials and blessings." 

Amen. He clearly speaks to women's hearts through Aughtmon too. I'm thankful for this book. Get it here:

http://www.tinyurl.com/goodbangs

Follow her blog too:  http://tiredsupergirl.blogspot.com

Available now at your favorite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group

Real Simple?

As I look over my planner for April, two words flood my mind: BOOO HOOO! Poor April. It's a scrambled mess of pencil/pen scratchings on every day of the week, every week. My current habit: whenever I feel too busy for anyone's own good, I just buy a bigger/better planner. That's my brilliant resolution to my busy problem. I'll just plan better...and bigger...and in a more stylish manner.  My current planner is a turquoise hardbacked REALSIMPLE larger than your wall calendar INDEX of busyness. Stylish...but frightening.What's even more frightening? It fits in my purse.

I don't know how this happens. I have the very best intentions. I really do. I don't push my kids to do things they don't want to do. Soccer was their idea. Getting roped into coaching soccer...my idea?? Girl Scouts. Liv's idea. Getting roped into helping out each week with Girl Scouts....my idea???

Oh, no. I feel a revelation coming on. This is some kind of trend, I'm realizing. It has to do with me.....hmmmm......let's push away that unpleasant thought shall we?

Dear pushover self:

Please STOP volunteering for everything you are asked to do. Do what you can, not what you expect yourself to be able to do. You are a good mom. You love your babies. Doing more and more doesn't make that more true, it just makes you later, more tired looking, forgetful, and a bit scary. And your planner is scared too. So chill it out....mkay?

Ok....

In the meantime, I'm going to try and focus on ONE day at a time, not the overwhelmingness of April. May is looking pretty blank right now. I'm making it my goal to keep it that way (with God's help and direction), because He knows my planning skills are downright scary....except at the time of my planning I think it's a fantastic idea and totally doable....that's even scarier.

Here's to you, happy mediums. I'm raising my coffee cup to you...I hear you are awesome.

Thunderboomers

There's a thunderstorm blowing around outside today. It's dark in here now. When the first thunderboomer cracked off across the sky, Sophie's head shot up from her plate at lunch and our eyes met....gasp! A thunderboomer!

"I'm going to have a hard time sleeping today, Mom," she said, shaking her head sadly. I told her how I love to sleep through the thunderstorms. It's rainy and dark and...comfy. "Ok," she said decisively, "I'm ready for bed now."

And asleep she is....by noon. And while the rain makes all things green again...I think I'll nap a bit too.

Happy Spring!