For the nurse

Disclaimer: this is a healing post. It was written to purge from soul to paper. It has been sitting here, burning a hole in my drafts folder. So it will be posted. In remembrance.


Dear self, 5 years or so ago, when you were an aspiring nurse. Ready to take the world on, swallowing fear, facing the long days and nights head on? You can do this, right?

Aside from the long hours and difficult days, the angry patients and worse, the families! Watch out!!! I want to tell you that you will be blindsided by something soon. I want you to know that the career you have chosen will haunt you. It will change you, and I just wish you would've known.

You wouldn't trade being a nurse for anything. I can tell you that. It's who you are and who you were meant to be and you know it. I think you have taken a path that has led you away from the inevitable so far and this is why this hurts so much now. Losing a patient, or two, or three (all the old nurses out there will tell you it comes in threes).....it was coming your way someday. Now it's here. Were you ready?

You can try and wash your hands of what happened. You can sort through all the decisions you made or didn't make. You can force yourself to believe that it wasn't in your hands. You were just the nurse. It was their time. There wasn't much you could do at that point. But it's funny. That little thing (it's big really), that sits in the base of your soul and TELLS you....you could have done better. You should have done that sooner. You should have said it better. You should have you should have you could have.....you didn't.

You'll be told that God is in control and that it was "their time". Age 46, or 64, or 72 doesn't seem like "their time". It doesn't quite settle well in your stomach. And if it was their time, you will question that if the control is out of your hands, the work that you do day in and day out...what is it for? To prolong? To squeeze out whatever we might have left? I suppose. Oh, how very bleak a thought.

I want to tell you that although I don't know the answer completely, there is is one thing that I've learned from this pile of regrets.  My regrets with each of these patients has taught me this:

Moments matter. Small ones. Ones that you think aren't significant. They can be the last. This will haunt you. It is scary. It'll bring a nasty fear from your gut that boils up and it burns your throat.

You are a lucky one though, because of your faith in God. And although you will question the last moments you had with that patient and the last words you said.....were they the right words? Remember, God is in control. Even if you biffed up something or said something you shouldn't have...even if you think you could have done better, BELIEVE the truth.

Believe that he is in heaven now.

Because that's where I picture you, my old friend. You are finally happy, and you aren't angry anymore. Your body works perfectly and best of all, you have gained what all of us desperately want and search for but cannot find: perspective. The WHY. Why? You can see it! You know the answer now, and I still don't. But this is good news for me, because you must know now how I feel about you, how I felt about you. You know that I regret our last conversation on the phone then. I wish I could have helped you more. I'm sorry I was frustrated with you. That being said, you must also know that you were a grumpy old man and quite difficult at moments.

Dear self, 5 years ago. Be strong. Rebuild your knowledge. Start fresh. You've got this. Do your best. Focus. Be cautious. Most of all, please pay attention to the small moments that suddenly and painfully become so, so big. Honor yourself and other nurses. Remember you have them and they you and you can tell them that this day hurt and they will understand the loss you feel, the empathy you have for that patient that you couldn't help, the situation that you just couldn't make better for them. How heavy it can be on the soul. Share this heavy load with them, because they have felt it too.

You can cry. The ride home is perfect for that. Wash it away. Bask in the grace of a new day.

Remember respectfully those that have gone and then learn, somehow, how to move forward.

It's the only thing to do. Move forward.

In memory of my friend, that I never expected to make...I am lucky to have known you. Thank you for teaching me that sometimes, friendship finds you.