Your anthem

I love music. I often say "it describes me"...which it does. If you have been reading my blog for more than one day, you know...there's always a song reference. That's because some songs cut straight to the heart of you; they can describe your situation to the letter; they can bring people who have never met before together, young and old, to a stuffy arena filled with smoke, both legal and illegal, to throw their hands up and sing (or scream) in unison. It's a fabulous feeling when that happens. When the instruments cut out and there's just drums and the sound of THOUSANDS of people singing in unison. There's nothing quite like it. Songs create a common goal amongst uncommon people. I love that. I love that one song can be loved by a four year old girl in the backseat of a car, just as much as its loved by a grandpa that first heard that song when he was a kid. Music is a gift to us.

There seems to always be a song that is "our song". The ONE song that when it comes on, over the radio, in your car, or at the pool or mall...you will stop a stranger, put up the three finger rock band hand sign and say, "This is MY song!" Or as Jay-Z would say, "this is my anthem so throw your **** hands up!"

Mine is, politically correct or not...and without taking the lyrics to heart and without implying anything about my personality, "You shook me all night long" AC/DC. There. I said it.

There is not a moment in my life when I have heard that song that I haven't dropped anything and everything I'm doing (unless holding a baby or something) and sang every word and cranked the volume to the max. At high school dances there'd be a crowd that'd form around me because they knew....that was MY song. :) Whippershhnappers. Young people these days. These days I should really be saying....THOSE days...as I am not (no matter how hard I try) 17 anymore. Sigh.

Anyway, without worrying what others might think because who cares anyway?...see? I've told YOU what my anthem is....please post YOUR anthem. As a lover of all that is musical...I've just got to know...and add it to my playlist. And everytime I hear it, I'll say..."This is (insert your name here)'s song" and I will sing it and I will dance it to the end.

Fundamentally flawed

Well, lucky for me...I'm used to being wrong. It makes the blow I feel when I realize I've been wrong much more tolerable.

There's a song that I think of often and it helps me chill out when I reflect on the amount of time I spend being wrong (yikes)...

It goes like this:

"Right To Be Wrong"

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down to long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Feel free to listen:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jossstone/righttobewrong.html

When I hear this song and I sing along, I don't sing it to another person or to some bully persecutor. Not at all.

I'm the hardest on myself. There is no bigger critic of me (that I know of) than me. I criticize and analyze and terrorize myself. So when I sing "so just leave me alone"....I sing this to myself. Before I sound like I might have multiple personalities...I'll move along.

The point being, my last two blogs are super stupid. They revolved around a verse...the "ask anything in Jesus' name" verses...but my interpretation and understanding were fundamentally flawed. The depth of the flaws behind my theory runs Grand Canyon sized deep. Sigh....I thought of erasing them, but what good does that do exactly? It doesn't make the flaws disappear. It doesn't make the disappointment never happen. Nope...it doesn't.

And while it might be fun to explain why they are fundamentally flawed, I don't think I'm in the position to teach on this...

In my defense, I got all pumped up on this verse after a guest speaker at our church preached a sermon and encouraged us to try asking what we need in Jesus' name. Like I've said before, I'm easily swayed. When someone is excited...ME TOO!!! So, leave it to me to mis-take the whole deal, to misinterpret, to end up disappointed....which is the same response I've had to my previous "lifestyle change" workout plans that I embark upon. Disappointing...overall.

I've decided I can leave theology to the others in this world blessed with an understanding that I do not have. I've decided to try...decidedly....to understand that I've got a right to be wrong....and especially, to just leave me alone. Sometimes its nice to remind yourself that it's ok to be human. We never were perfect. We don't always get it. So, while I try and understand who God is, and what the nature of God really is, I suppose I shall stumble.

Luckily, God is there to pick me back up, slap a bandaid on my knee, and feed me ice cream.

And we're good to go.

Ask anything,,,,Part 2

Things don't always work out the way we plan. I get it! I promise I do. But doesn't it suck when you think things are going to work out your way but then they don't? Say that you are sure that it's meant to be...you just know it's for you! But then......nope. Not so much. Are you disappointed? Do you have the right to be angry? Is there a way not to?

For a stronger person perhaps.

From Ask Anything Part 1, you may have gathered how excited I was to receive such a quick answer from God, a blessing out of nowhere, help from the unexpected person, place, time, all of it. It felt very....hmmmm....God like.

So, why is it that the letter she wrote for me still wasn't good enough for the insurance company? Why do I now owe the hospital because they paid me benefits on accident? The answer I thought I received was not so. This bothers me. Not because I'm stomping my feet like an impudent child who has not gotten her way. It bothers me...because what I believed to be true did not produce the outcome I expected.

But why? I can't help but ask.

The answer to this question I fear I will not understand fully. I can't explain why things happen the way they do. I have not written off God because things didn't go my way...at least the way I thought they should go. God is deeply intertwined into my being. It's not something that can be stripped away so easily. But still. What do we do when we feel let down by God? It's hard to even admit, right? It's been hard for me. The Ask Anything part 1 blog was written a few days before I posted it. In fact, in my joy of what God had done for me, I posted that post, unable to keep it to myself. After the multiple phone calls the next day, the denial of pay for sick time, the defeat of the letter that I had such high hopes set on.....I quickly deleted it. Not out of anger. Not out of sadness...but out of a profound "I just don't get it."

I can't quite explain where I'm at now. I guess I feel a bit dumbstruck. I've been stopped in my tracks. I'm waiting, listening, trying to understand the way God works....which for now, shall remain a mystery to me.

Ask anything

Ask anything

John 14:13

12 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father. 13 “Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 “If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.
15 “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

Ask anything. Ask anything? Ask anything in Jesus' name and it shall be done? Really? After the sermon that mentioned this verse was given, I remained troubled by it. It's pretty bold is it not? It's pretty clear right? But I'm pretty sure that I've begged God for things that haven't happened. My tiny brain worked on this....slowly...(working nights makes me dumber).

Things have been a bit rough this past month, with a blow of severe morning sickness that made me crawl on my knees and beg for MERCY, to the two weeks of work that I missed because of it, to the denial of the insurance money to cover me financially for those two weeks....life just loves to punch you in the gut while your down...or when you have the gall to try and get back up.

But today, when I talked to the nurse at our OB clinic, and she sounded unsympathetic to my minor request for a note stating why I wasn't at work...and after she didn't care much when I explained this note was the only thing keeping me from receiving a much needed paycheck from insurance this Friday....little emotion was summoned from the depths of her soul. This was apparent. She said she'd get back to me tomorrow, but doubted the doctor would complete my request. Okay....I thanked her. The call ended. Hopeless, I thought...really.

I thought of the verse that troubled me. Ask anything. Faith. Trust. Believe. I thought of my faith in the past...hmmm....a quite lame past, actually. About me: I just LOOOOOVE to freak out when things go wrong. I just LOOOOOVE to try and control uncontrollable situations. I just LOOOOOVE to frantically try and fix and do and complete and finish....I pretty much always feel incredibly stupid when things turn out just fine in the end. I feel a tad sheepish at my lack of faith in the first place. I mean...I know God takes care of me. But I just can't seem to cut out the freak out factor.

Today I asked for something in Jesus' name. I asked that the clinic would just sign the damn paper for me. I think I even used the swear word. I asked that they'd sign the paper and I could get it faxed to the insurance company. I made a point to state what I needed, clearly, concisely. I asked it with the best of intentions. I need to take care of my family. I need to pay my bills. And it was quite unfair that they wouldn't do one small thing for me. So, please? God?

After this prayer, I was filled with anger towards the clinic, especially the Dr. without any type of human quality about her. I thought about what my second actions would be and then the third...yes, THAT'S what I'll do next. I planned, I plotted. I tried to CONTROL.

That's the norm for me. No surprise there. But then I stopped, thought, and physically MADE myself quit the plotting panic. Have faith. Let it go. LIG my mom says. I enjoy her abbrev. But I couldn't. I found myself five minutes later STILL worrying...thinking...plotting....so I prayed this time. Please help me let it go. Please let me just have faith this time. I'm trying.

I decided to sit down. Read. I love this book I'm reading. Just a few pages left. And I won't worry. And I won't think.

Ten minutes later, as I was finishing up the last sentence of my book, my cell rang next to me. RESTRICTED...it said. There's only one place that says this, my OB clinic. What NOW?....

Hello...?

"Melanie! Hi! It's Ashley...from work (my job at WestLakes L&D), but also your OB clinic today. I'm filling in for one of the nurses today. Listen, I overheard Cassie...the other nurse...talking to you over the phone. I went ahead and wrote the note up for you. Where would you like it sent?"

Me: Speechless.

Ashley: "Mel?"

Me: "You are a gift from GOD!!!!" I exclaim like a crazy person.

Ashley: "Ummm...I don't think so." She laughs.

Me: "But, the other nurse...she didn't seem so..."

Ashley: "I know....I KNOW." She laughs again.

Me: "I can't believe this Ashley. That you're there! That you're doing this for me! Thank you! I was just sitting here praying, worried."

Ashley: "It's no problem. Where can I send it?"

And I gave her the fax number. Astounded. Overwhelmed. Dumbfounded, really.

The other nurse had said she wouldn't call me back until the next day. She told me that doctor was out of the office. She said it wasn't likely. All reasons not to believe it'd happen.

You know, I can't particularly try and pull the audience (you) into this story, because you don't really know what a paycheck this week would mean to me, or the absence, rather. It may sound trivial, or contrived, or perhaps that the ending is anticlimatic to you.

Mmmm..oh well! Sometimes my ability to tell a story falls short. But, it's true what happened to me today. It's true and real and I don't even know what it quite means yet. But God answered me today, with an unlikely turn of events. I'm still processing what it means to me. I'm still pondering this verse. I know God is not a genie and I know he doesn't give me whatever I want. But today, he listened, as I asked for something specific in His name.

I asked anything....and I just couldn't keep that to myself.

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

I open the curtains up wide around 7:30 am every morning. I turn on the brightest living room spotlight and all the lights in the kitchen. I turn on the radio that now resides on the kitchen counter because of it's daily use. I sing, no matter how I feel...sick, tired, nauseous, hungry...whatever.

Winter is boring. Winter is blahhh. Winter is borderline to absolutely PAINFUL in Iowa. Winter gets me down....EVERY year. I get depressed. I dream of summertime breezes, open windows, warm mornings, flowers blooming, green grass, endless daily possibilities, rainstorms, the smell of things just being ALIVE.

If you've known me for more than five minutes, you know that I'm easily swayed by my surroundings. Are you happy? ME TOO!!! Are you sad? ME TOO. Is it gray out? ME TOO. Is it sunny and gorgeous out? ME TOO! Are you skinny? ME TOO!!! Are you hungry? ME TOO!!! So, naturally, winter blahness gets a "me too" too. Boo hoo. Rhyme time is always a fun time.

Well, I guess I'm just tired of being sick and tired. I'm no longer nauseous beyond all belief. I no longer hang my head over a bucket all day. I don't cry in the bottom of the shower anymore wishing and praying for the baby to stop killing me. I can move around. I can clean my own house. I make dinner. I can do homework with my kids. So, what's there to be bummed about?

I've been on a mission lately to not be swayed by what's going on around me. Thus the first paragraph. Things don't have to be so dark. The best lesson I've learned is from my kids. Yesterday, I sat reading in the chair. It was getting dark out. The girls had just finished a sponge bob episode. We were all a bit bored. Too early for supper. Too late for snack. Not enough time for a movie. Not enough energy for painting. Olivia jumped up and said, "MOM! Let's do exercise! I need exercise." Mom's initial reaction: UGH. Redirection needed. Doesn't she know it's winter?

But she didn't relent. She went to the movie stand and picked out the Jane Fonda VHS from a bazillion years ago that I used to do with my mom and sister in our living room a bazillion years ago, using cans of soup for weights and trying desperately to get the dance moves. Olivia even put it in. How could I refuse? Before I knew it, we were all up dancing ridiculous dance moves like the turkey dance, I was quoting word for word EVERYTHING anybody said on the video, Olivia was mimicking Jane's obscene hip movements, Sophie was punching the air (her signature move when all else fails), and we were having a blast. When Jane suggested adding a hop for more intensity, Olivia was IN. I showed them how to shake their booty during the sashe. It was perfectly ridiculous.

What I'm saying is, I'm on a mission to FORCE myself out of a sad, depressed, lonely winter mindset. It CAN be done. I just know it can. And before long....green grass will preside once again.

Until then....

Knock on wood...cross your fingers...er something

Right on the heels of my lowest of lows (see yesterday's post), came today. Today is a day that I awoke to the same as any other day. Here's how it generally goes:

I am conscious, but I don't move. I freeze in my current position and I breathe in the relief of NO nausea, because for a moment, and a moment only every morning, before my body and mind catch up to each other, I don't feel sick. It normally lasts about 30 seconds and I bask in its glory. But then, as reality often does, it hits me. The wave hits me with such a fierceness, and I wonder....HOW will I get through another day like this?

But, TODAY.....I awoke, froze, basked, and waited. But then, to my surprise, the normal wave was but a ripple in the ocean, the nausea was mild...just ever so mild. And it just sat there. Reluctant, I stood up to get Olivia up for the day. I still didn't believe it. Could it be true? I tiptoed down the stairs, trying to trick nausea into leaving me alone for a moment longer. What was this feeling in my stomach? Hunger? Really?

Confusion has ruled me today as I have awaited the return of my ultimate nemesis...nearly unbelieving....could it really be?

Steve brought me some new medicine last night and you don't take it by mouth...if you know what I mean. And I don't know if it was that that made the difference, or if it was the mental & emotional breakdown and pleading on my knees I did with God yesterday, or if it was the prayers that my family has sent up for me consistently. It could've been all, it could've been some. But whatever it was, today...was a good day. The kind only God can give.

Not the happiest blog on the block

Not sure I've ever had a blogging hiatus of this proportion. It's for a reason...a few reasons actually.

I've been sick. I know you're all gasping in shock. No, I know that sickness floats over my head waiting to rain down upon me at all times, but this time...I'm down and out. Not just physically, but it's taken my joy away too. I'd like to say I could handle all the vomiting and not being able to get off the couch. But, unfortunately...I can't.

I cry a lot and tell Steve how I just can't do it anymore. I try to picture the little gumball baby that I'm lucky to have and wanted so deeply. But I just can't picture that baby, and I just can't conjure up the longing that I once had, and I just don't know why. I'm overwhelmed with guilt. As I should be the one to rejoice in that I've never had to know what it's like to lose a baby. So what's my problem?

However, this sadness could be related to the ever-inspiring month of January. Sense my sarcasm? Who doesn't do flips down the driveway for -30 degree weather and NO chance of going anywhere? Even if I could stop throwing up.

At any rate, blogging has been my release in the past, my joy and pastime. And I thought I'd give it a go again. Why not? Even if my words don't make sense and they're all bound up in hormonal emotions I can't control.

And in the meantime, as my due date gets pushed back further and further to the point that this baby will be born sometime in the next few years....please pray that the puking can pass for now, as I've got no reserve left. God's got to know that right?

I'll cling to that for a few days more.