I was angry at God yesterday. I've never admitted it before, and as far as I know, I've never been angry with God before. But yesterday, yes. I didn't get the job. The one I really wanted. And while I know people don't get jobs all the time, I really believed I would. I believed that was the ending that God wanted for me. I thought I would just persevere through the crap at work and my reward? This new job. The better hours. The extra time with my family. I really believed that. And whether its the dumbest idea you've ever heard or not, it was my truth. The interview was perfect. They called and pretty much told me I had the job. And that was the hope I was clinging to.
I got the call yesterday while I was hurrying to get groceries before going to work. It was like the last block in the Jenga stack, and I crumbled. I tried so hard not to cry. I tried so hard not be angry. I tried so hard not to break. But I did. I couldn't even pray. I was tired of being strong. So, I ignored God for the day. I tried really hard to ignore God. I shut everything off. Then, on my way home, I heard my all time favorite song on the radio (Testify to Love). I didn't sing. I listened. But that was just to get my attention. The next song was new. I hadn't heard it before, and historically, I turn off new songs. But this one was everything God wanted me to hear. So, perhaps you are not sad, or angry at God right now. But chances are, you will be someday. So, for reference, here is what has begun the healing of my soul. And today, I'm just a little less angry. I still don't understand everything, and I'm not sure that I will. But I will listen to this song, and I will believe these words, and I'll wait.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Tenth Avenue North
4 comments:
That's my favorite song now! I love your honesty and your tender heart and your precious faith. Hang on - better days are coming!
I am reminded of that great scene in Forrest Gump when Officer Dan is extremely angry at God.."YOU CALL THIS A STORM?!!" he screams in anger during the hurricane. Hahaha!
Sorry to hear that it didn't turn out the way you wanted. It only means something better is out there. Cling to that. God always has a better plan. It might take time to see but I know someday you will understand why.
I can't believe I didn't comment on this one. Sometimes I'm too overwhelmed by your awesomeness and amazing writing ability to be able to summon the words to respond. In summary, however, Mel is the awesomest in all the world, and I love my sister more than most anything.
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