So, my house is a mess. It's not that Steve hasn't been doing his part, it's that I can't do MY part. So as he left for work this morning and Olivia was off to the bus and Sophie to preschool, I realized...dang. Crayons, markers, nutri-grain bar wrappers, coloring books, bendaroos (thanks mom :), little shoes, pumpkin buckets, baskets of laundry, gloves, hats, books. Where did this all come from?! And now that Steve is gone for the day and I await my 10:00 appointment, who's picking all this up? It's not me, by the way. I can't breathe much these days. I don't have a cold, no cough, not a sore throat to complain of. Just shortness of breath, chest pain, a hole in my heart, and a really messy house. I tried to stare it away, but it didn't budge. Dang.
This shortness of breath thing is really getting to me. In fact, I really could do without it. It's been 10 days. TEN DAYS since I've been down and out. Do you know how long that is in mommy time? Poor Steve. He's probably at the end of his rope. I know I am. My kids are running rampant. I can verbally threaten them to stop fighting, but they know by now I'm not getting up out of the easy chair. Empty threats. That's all I have to offer. I might as well be yelling after them, "Carry on! Mommy can't get up so go ahead and kill each other!" And that's exactly what they've been trying to do lately. I know they're mad and upset that their mommy world has been turned upside down. But I have to say, I'm just as annoyed. It's depressing, really. My mind says, "let's go for a run outside! What a beautiful day!" And my body says, "Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down getting out of the chair. You're sucking air already. Good luck getting to the closet to get your shoes. Feeling light headed yet? How do you like that chest pain?"
Jerk.
However, to my dismay, sometimes I find that these are the times I turn to God and say sheepishly, "Um, God?" This is embarrassing. Sigh. "I know I haven't talked to you in oh, like a week or two. I know I haven't really been spending quality time with you or letting you into my day, but....could you do me a favor?"
Now, I know it doesn't work that way. I know God doesn't hand out grace and healing to only those who fast and pray daily. But it does make me feel a bit awkward. I realize I haven't really been focusing on the right things, or that maybe I have let daily life get in the way of real life. I feel a little guilty today, honestly, knowing how much I need help now and how little I feel I deserve it. Worse yet, I can barely eek out the words to ask for it. I should know better, really. God loves me and wants what's best for me. I know that. Perhaps we'll look at this as a good opportunity to get back on track, first things first and so on. And I can't help but ask for God's help because I don't know what else to do. Out of ideas, out of patience, out of breath. I'd like that last one back first if possible. And I can't say that I'm not scared because I am. I don't want to throw a clot into my brain. I also don't want surgery. But I do, because then it would be fixed, but I don't because what if I die on the table? This is uncomfortable territory for me.....and you probably at this point. You probably didn't know this conversation would turn serious. Serious is unfamiliar territory for me.
Perhaps I'll attempt to leave it that way, unfamiliar. What the heck....what will be will be.
And good has come from this. I realized how fantastic the people around me are. Not that I was unaware, but I can say now, I'm overwhelmed by it. My co-workers have been taking turns bringing over meals. My mom came bearing gifts, and to help me vacuum and make Sophie's birthday a success even though we had to cancel the main event because of me. Steve has been working hard to maintain all of this kid/house business on his own. Friends are calling, offering help with whatever we need. It's nice to know you're loved and surrounded. It's really, really nice. Which reminds me, once I can breathe again, I'll be doing the same for others. I didn't realize how very important these things are, but I do now, walking in these sickly shoes.
Ok, so...now that I've vented this all out onto this unlucky proverbial paper, my only true way to sort out my feelings...
Please pray that they figure out where my breath went and what to do with the hole in my heart. Please pray for patience and a clean house for all involved. Mainly for sanity purposes, but also for sanitary purposes. Really for all purposes, I need a clean house.
This shortness of breath thing is really getting to me. In fact, I really could do without it. It's been 10 days. TEN DAYS since I've been down and out. Do you know how long that is in mommy time? Poor Steve. He's probably at the end of his rope. I know I am. My kids are running rampant. I can verbally threaten them to stop fighting, but they know by now I'm not getting up out of the easy chair. Empty threats. That's all I have to offer. I might as well be yelling after them, "Carry on! Mommy can't get up so go ahead and kill each other!" And that's exactly what they've been trying to do lately. I know they're mad and upset that their mommy world has been turned upside down. But I have to say, I'm just as annoyed. It's depressing, really. My mind says, "let's go for a run outside! What a beautiful day!" And my body says, "Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down getting out of the chair. You're sucking air already. Good luck getting to the closet to get your shoes. Feeling light headed yet? How do you like that chest pain?"
Jerk.
However, to my dismay, sometimes I find that these are the times I turn to God and say sheepishly, "Um, God?" This is embarrassing. Sigh. "I know I haven't talked to you in oh, like a week or two. I know I haven't really been spending quality time with you or letting you into my day, but....could you do me a favor?"
Now, I know it doesn't work that way. I know God doesn't hand out grace and healing to only those who fast and pray daily. But it does make me feel a bit awkward. I realize I haven't really been focusing on the right things, or that maybe I have let daily life get in the way of real life. I feel a little guilty today, honestly, knowing how much I need help now and how little I feel I deserve it. Worse yet, I can barely eek out the words to ask for it. I should know better, really. God loves me and wants what's best for me. I know that. Perhaps we'll look at this as a good opportunity to get back on track, first things first and so on. And I can't help but ask for God's help because I don't know what else to do. Out of ideas, out of patience, out of breath. I'd like that last one back first if possible. And I can't say that I'm not scared because I am. I don't want to throw a clot into my brain. I also don't want surgery. But I do, because then it would be fixed, but I don't because what if I die on the table? This is uncomfortable territory for me.....and you probably at this point. You probably didn't know this conversation would turn serious. Serious is unfamiliar territory for me.
Perhaps I'll attempt to leave it that way, unfamiliar. What the heck....what will be will be.
And good has come from this. I realized how fantastic the people around me are. Not that I was unaware, but I can say now, I'm overwhelmed by it. My co-workers have been taking turns bringing over meals. My mom came bearing gifts, and to help me vacuum and make Sophie's birthday a success even though we had to cancel the main event because of me. Steve has been working hard to maintain all of this kid/house business on his own. Friends are calling, offering help with whatever we need. It's nice to know you're loved and surrounded. It's really, really nice. Which reminds me, once I can breathe again, I'll be doing the same for others. I didn't realize how very important these things are, but I do now, walking in these sickly shoes.
Ok, so...now that I've vented this all out onto this unlucky proverbial paper, my only true way to sort out my feelings...
Please pray that they figure out where my breath went and what to do with the hole in my heart. Please pray for patience and a clean house for all involved. Mainly for sanity purposes, but also for sanitary purposes. Really for all purposes, I need a clean house.
4 comments:
Baby, I wish I were there.
Even in this spot you have hilarious and perfect words in spite of the seriousness. I am so proud to be your friend...I just wish I could come clean your house. I *love* cleaning house. And I love you, so perfect.
Huge, do-not-require-you-to-move hugs,
Tara
I want to come clean your house too! Cleaning other people's houses is just so much fun. I'm sorry you're sick. :( Let your daughters decorate you with canned goods...I've heard they like that. :)
I am going to quit my job and come live with you now.
You are inspiring, even when you're sick! I hope you feel better very soon. And I feel with you about asking God for things and then realizing that it's the first time you've really prayed in a few weeks... I do that more than I'm willing to admit. But we'll get better at it.
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